Thursday, March 26, 2009

Idiocracy.Part Deux.

Kenny and I stopped at Sam's Club Monday night to pick up a Cuisinart Food Processor. While we were there we did a bit of shopping, picking up some household necessities. We're low on laundry detergent so I directed Kenny to put some in the cart.

Kenny: "Here's Tide, do you want this one?"
Tracye: "No, get this one, it's much cheaper and it's just laundry detergent. Plus, I like the way it smells."
Kenny: "Idiot, that's FABRIC SOFTENER."

It's the brand I've been buying for the past few times - some French-labeled stuff, can't quite pronounce it or read the French label. But Kenny could, enough to make out the words "Fabric Softener." Huh. Maybe that's why his jeans always look dirty. Soft. But dirty.
I should get fired from Housewife role.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Holy Vagina!

Ya know how some people think they see the image of Jesus in their cheese sammich, or the Virgin Mother's image in a potato chip, and they sell these images on Ebay to some stupid, stupid person?

If anyone out there is interested in purchasing, Kenny pointed out an image of a giant spread-eagle vagina in the woodgrain of our living room door.
It may be the Virgin Mary's. Damn, I just heard 'em add another log onto Hell's Fires for that one. Ouch, that's gonna burn.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Friends Don't Let Friends Shop Drunk.

Ya buy one cute hat that you sport around the Caribbean, and 11 margaritas later, you think that ALL cowgirl hats look GREAT on you.

Next think ya know: I'll shtake 'da blacht one, witsh 'da peenk lettershs....
Kenny failed me. Friends don't let Friends shop drunk, but apparently boyfriends don't know this rule. He let me shop and shop and shop at the store in the Cabo Wabo Cantina. This was one of my trophies, and oh, yes, indeed, I thought I looked good in this! Self portraits taken up and down the street in this thing. Oh, if I could only undelete, I would share them all with you.
I mustov taken the hat off at some point and made the bicycle driver pose for a picture with me. He looks terrified at the crazy Gringa.

Next task: Find a lucky Christmas gift recipient for black Cabo Wabo hat. Cross your fingers, it could be you!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Lost In Translation

'Scuse me. I'd like to order the New York Strip, with broccoli and a side of Pope to the furnace.

Alas, they were all out of Pope to the furnace, so instead I had this mouthwatering meal near the shore in Puerto Vallarta:

May the Pope to the furnace be with you. And also with you.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Winding Down...

It's Friday, and we're winding down on vacation. Two more days at sea, and then it's home on Sunday...I won't be sad to get home, I miss the cats. If they could just ship 'em here, I'd be all set. So far, the trip has been FUN, but not The Most Fun Ever. The Caribbean is still my favorite - nicer beaches, nice weather. Just prettier all over there. I tried to sit out on my balcony this a.m. (it's Friday at 11:25 a.m. here) and was too cold to stay out there. It was hot yesteday in Puerto Vallara, which is my favorite stop of the trip - super duper pretty.
Since I had managed to get sun poisoned from my 1 day in the sun (Wednesday, we stayed on the ship and didn't even get off in Mazatlan, it looked like a hole) I didn't want a beach excursion. We took a 3 hour tour of the city, which was perfect and really fun. Kenny made a new friend during our tour of puerto vallarta, some dude from Australia who creates video games. He was nice, we had dinner with him and I think Kenny was on the brink of proposing. Not to me :) Cabo was a good time, from what I remember.....had FAR FAR too many margaritas and really was passed out when we got back to the room. The worst part of the drinks in Cabo was waking up after I slept it off and discovering all the stupid shit I purchased while I was there. Oh, laugh now, but you won't be laughing when it shows up on your doorstop or desktop as a little vacation "gift" from me - haha! I've got all sorts of shit that seemed like a good idea to purchases after 11 margaritas!
Now we're having our last 2 days at sea. So far I've gotten up and showered and now this. I'm pretty lazy on vacation. Kenny went down and did the last bout of the slots tournament, but did really bad (only 19 players, you'd think those were pretty good odds), but while he was waiting his turn, he played video poker and just won $4000 with a royal flush!. That helped out his financial situation A LOT!So that's a quick update from the edge of the Pacific.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009


Hello Hello!! I know you must be on pins and needles waiting to hear from me! Well, here I am - in Mazeltan or something of that nature. Trip so far has been mucho fun, but the weather hasn't been my cuppa vacation tea. But let's start at the beginning, with a brief recap (.47cents/minute, People).
Saturday we had an early morning flight into LA. Flight was fine. Weather in LA was in the 60's or so. Def a step up from Recent Cleveland, however it was probably the same temp in both places over the weekend. We took a shuttle to the Beverly Hills Hotel in Beverly Hills. Wowwee, what a drive! The homes there are really something to see, and we weren't even in the most ritziest of areas. HOLY SHIT AN ALARM JUST SOUNDED AND SCARED THE SHIT OUTTA ME! Whew, it was just a drill, but a scary one nonetheless.
Anyway. The Beverly Hills Hotel. Super-cool. Man alive. That's a whole blog unto itself. The front desk lady escorted us to our room and gave us a tour of it. I've never had a hotel room tour before. It's that swanky.

We strolled the grounds, taking photos and hoping for celebrity sitings. We had lunch poolside and Kenny said, "I think that guy is Marc Anthony." I said, "Nah, he's better looking than that pock-marked faced skeleton." Then, a girl breezed in and I said "Oh, here comes J. Lo." I was kidding, of course, until she beelined over to Marc Anthony and we realized it really was Jennifer Lopez! So yes, we are saying we had lunch with Marc Anthony & J. Lo. We were only a couple of booths away, afterall, so I'm pretty sure that counts. Kenny saw Ron Wood from the Rolling Stones, but I wouldn't have recognized him and his 19 year old girlfriend at all - they need to be on The Superficial for me to recognize!

We walked Rodeo Drive, gawked at houses, and went back for a six hour nap in our room. We were jetlagged. We got up late and went to the nightclub, hoping to see someone else or maybe have drinks with our new good friend J. Lo and Marc. We didn't see 'em, so we went back to our room for room service ($102 for two McCarthy salads and a slice of coconut cake!) and watched a movie. Very exciting ;)
Anyway, enough of that at 47cents/min. More to come later, with pictures and everything!

Cruise is going well, although weather was cool both Sunday & Monday - no pool or laying around reading a book outside. By Tuesday, when we arrived in Cabo, it was warming up. We spent yesterday drinking mucho Wabos in Cabo Wabo. We wiled away 5 hours in that bar - thanks, Joanne (I blamed you for my slight hangover). Our bill for 5 hours of drinking and carrying on was the same as it was in Bev Hills for 2 salads and a slice of cake...
Today, we've landed in Mazatlan and are just getting moving around. We're heading to lunch and then going out to see the island. Nothing much exciting on the excursion front, most things started at 8 a.m. ish, which just isn't happening in my Vacation World, or they included a mule, a mandatory helmet and goggles. I'm not doing ANYTHING that requires a mandatory helmet on vacation. So our excursions were limited, and the beaches are supposed to be nice, but they are all held by hotels, so you have to pay mucho dinero to get access to the beaches and do it as an excursion. We're going to self-tour and take advantage of the empty ship this afternoon.

Oh, I did read a fun book - The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio. Met all my vacation-reads requirements, complete with some 2 a.m. tears when I finished it up last night.


Friday, March 6, 2009

And on that note..

Question: Shouldn't they really be called Tamp-ins rather than Tamp-ons??

....I bid you adieu, until I return from vacation.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Hairs Lookin' At You

Another day, another new hair color. I present you with Going-On-Vacation Blond!

Yeah, no makeup on, looking a little haggard, but whatev - my hair looks fantastic! And it's silky soft to boot!
Plans for getting ready ready for vacation early are actually working out somewhat. Still have some things to take care of Friday night, but not nearly the amount I normally save up for the last minute and work myself up into a tizzy over. I even ran last-minute errands tonight rather than Friday night - see, all that thinkin' and plannin' and doin' ahead! I'm treating myself to a blog, a glass of wine and Chef Ramsey as a treat!
Oh, You Know You're Old make a special trip to go to Walgreen's before vacation to get Pepcid AC and some As Seen On TV gadgets. I popped in there tonight after Hair and spent $74 on vacation shit and other shit. I've been curious to try that crazy Smooth Away device, the little buffer pads that whisk away hairs and exfoliate at the same time. Internet results have varied, from proclaiming them the best thing since sliced bread to pieces of sandpaper that abraded the skin.Well, I now own it and will be trying it out tonight. In an out-of-the-way location, however, in the event they are a disaster and take an inch of skin off my person.
Unbeknown to me, Walgreen's has an entire section of As Seen On TV items. In addition to Smooth Away, I picked up those bags that are supposed to keep your fruits and veggies fresh for weeks upon weeks. I can't wait to test those out! They had just about everything you could possibly want, and I may need to do some Christmas shopping from that aisle. Betcha can't wait to see what's going to end up 'neath your tree this year!
Since I also got a fabulous fun manicure tonight, Kenny is now responsible for all the heavy lifting from this point forward. He's charged with doing the remaining dishes, opening things that may risk chippage, and any other chores I send his way. It's still a fair trade for him, I did almost all of the packing and laundry.
Okay, I can blog no longer, I've got those Smooth Aways vying for my attention and I need to get to buffing those hairs away! Do you see the irony here - I paid a small fortune to tend to some hairs that I want to keep, and then more money to get rid of other offensive hairs.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Conversations With Kenny

Tracye: "I spend too much time wasting my life. I've done nothing of significance. If I died tomorrow, you'd remember me for about a month and then that pinball machine would be right back up here in the living room."

Kenny: "Nah, I'd probably get a new one."
Tracye: "A new girl? That quick??"
Kenny, aghast: "No! A new pinball machine."