Sunday, March 25, 2012

Cat's in the Bagless

Of course I tried out the new vacuum. The cord is much better, but still stopped short on me. It just couldn't reach from the kitchen to the far corners of the living room. Sad face. Times like this I do miss my Simplicity vacuum, because that cleaner had The Mother of All Cords. I had a 2 story colonial and could vacuum the entire house with it plugged in to 1 outlet, either up or down. Ah well.

But other than that? Well, let me tell you about the new cleaner. It has this stupid red and green light action on the front/top of it, visible when you're vacuuming. Red means you've still got a dirty dirty floor, you hoarder-esque housekeeper. Green means your floor is lickable clean. And it was bouncing like a strobe light from Club 54, dirty-clean-red-green-dirty-clean. And I thought, "this is the most useless gizmo I've ever experienced and would have rather saved $6 on the cost than have that thing installed on my machine."

Until I noticed that it was standing on red, when I thought the floor was clean. So I became obsessed with having that green light shine strong and steady and I believe I've spent an hour and ten minutes vacuuming my small 2-bedroom house. I've moved furniture, gotten into all the nooks and crannies. Of just the 2 main rooms and the hallway. I haven't gotten to the bedrooms yet. I needed a rest before attempting those rooms.

So that dumb light? Became a challenge. I emptied my bagless dirt-trapper three times. Filled to the brim. With disgustingness. Otherwise known as what-used-to-be-cat.

Someone's Gotta Do It

I couldn't take it any longer. Bought a new vacuum last night. That short cord on the other? I hated it so hard that I just stopped vacuuming. And with five small cuddle-bug kittens (see how that sounds a lot nicer than calling them little shedding f-er's who don't really appreciate the easy-peasy life they have because if they did they would keep their hair to themselves!), that is a bad bad decision.

I stuck with Bissell, despite the war raging in my brain as I was hemming-and-hawing over all the selections - I'm pretty mad at them for that short cord. But to Show Them, it would have cost me an additional $80 or so, to get another brand, and I wasn't that intent on proving a point they'd never even know about. If I had more readership (don't fret, Reader - you're enough for me: you is kind, you is smart, you is impo'tant!*) and a twitter account to hashtag the hell out of Bissell over my short-cord indignation, perhaps my Righteous Indignation would have had an impact. But alas, the handful of people who humor me by reading this just couldn't start a big enough #OccupyBissell movement. Or could you??! Grab your tents, we're goin' campin'!

That just seems exhausting, so we can just stick with the new cleaner, shove the old one in the garage or basement and move on with life.

In other news, I've been experiencing some Taste Bud Trickery as of late. I thought the reason I couldn't taste the flavor in my Coffee Mate Vanilla Carmel coffee cream was because possibly #1/ had allergies (I do, that's not in doubt, but I thought it was affecting my tasters now), #2/ loss of taste possibly comes with old age (but I still enjoy the taste of cake, so other things are getting through to my tasters), or #3/ I had gotten used to it and thus, the deliciousness had worn thin.

Then? This morning My Mister commented that, "I didn't even know you were adding flavored cream to the coffee," and I said "Ah-Ha!" ~lifts arm straight up in the air, pointing to the sky in a thrust of it's-not-just-me awareness ~ and went to get to the bottom of the coffee creamer trickery.

And discovered that I had apparently stepped it up at the grocery store and purchased the name brand Coffee Mate instead of the Giant Eagle much-more-flavorfull brand of Vanilla Carmel creamer. So now I'm going to add #Coffee Mate to my occupy movement. Bring a sweater, reader, that occupying is going to get chilly at night! We're going to PROTEST and STOMP OUR FEET and DEMAND SATISFACTION! These abominations of short vacuum cleaner cords and tasteless coffee creamers CAN NOT AND SHOULD NOT STAND in the face of paying consumers.

Ahem. Allow me to regain my composure. All that standing up for stuff can get downright unladylike. And, Reader, we both know I pride myself on my ladylike behaviors.

*re: The Help

Saturday, March 24, 2012


You're fortunate I don't have kids. Just think of the endless ways I could bore you.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Lesson Learned

Don't put Gold Bond powder on your hoo-ha.

It's a little burn-y.

Why the need for Gold Bond powder? I made the bad decision to forgo panties today. We were running around, on a few simple errands, I haphazardly dressed.

Lesson learned.

Spring Break 2012

Well, Hello There! If you're out there, that is. I've been rather absent, ever since my vacation. In a nutshell: It was good. The hotel was touted as 5-star, but that was a generous rating. It was more along the lines of a 3-star, but whatever.

It was on the water.
It had a beautiful pool.
We didn't get ambushed by The Cartel (as was our fears) and we didn't get bedbugs (as did the newlywed couple who stayed at the resort down the strip from ours).
So all-in-all, it was a fine trip.


Ah, that's where The Universe sticks it to me.

See, I found a camera in the bathroom in Cancun. I took it and flicked through the photos, trying to find the owner - see the pictures on the camera, look around the baggage claim.

No luck. Turn it in? What, in Mexico? Like they'd ever get it returned. Yes, stereotyping. Deal.

So I threw it in my friends bag and considered it a found camera.

And I had a distinct sense of foreshadowing that I wouldn't be coming home with mine. The yin and the yang, the give and the take.

So I was careful. Very careful the entire trip. I kept a track of that camera at all times.

Until I lost it.

The last day, on the way home. I took a photo of our last room-service breakfast and probably walked out with it still on the table.

I called the hotel. No, senorita, no camera here.

That's that. It was a good camera, newish, with panorama capabilities. More importantly, it was my friend Dawn & my first spring break together, and our first trip since we were 17.

As she put it, "Well, we'll have our memories, until we get Alzheimer's."

And three pictures from my iPhone.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Race the Sun

Well, time for another bout of Worldly Travels. This time, My Mister stays home (which is why I don't mind announcing to the Internets that I'm traveling. Mi casa will be protected).

I'm off to Riviera Maya or Playa del Carmen or something. Wherever. I'm going with the girl who was my very best schoolhood friendie, from 5th grade on. We haven't traveled together since we were about 17 or so. Should be fun, she knows my weirdness (I may have changed over the years, but the same weirdnesses follow me). She has 5 kids. She's ready for a vacation where she's not Mom. I'm there for her. I'm a good friend like that - my bag can be packed and ready to travel if and when you need me. Now I'm not the kinda friend who would babysit the 5 kids. See, know what you're good at, work within those parameters.

It was nice having a day off prior to vacation to prepare. I did very important things. I smooched the kitties. A lot. Got my hairs did. Got a fake spray-on tan. Shopped for last-minute items. Washed laundry. Made some Mclovin' with my honey since we'll be apart for 5 days and he didn't really want to send me off to the world of latino lovah's without a tune up. So see, all those things were accomplished and it's now time for me to sign off, paint my nails and go and catch 40 winks. We have to leave the house at 4 fucking 30 a.m., which is crazy talk, but it is the facts.

Alrightie, lift a drink and toast to the sun, and it will be like we're on vacation together. I will do it often to make sure that at some point we are doing it together.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Easiest Diet In The World

About that Cleanse. "How'd it go?", you may be wondering. Firstly, let me acknowledge that is probably a whole lot of wrong punctuation going on right there in that last sentence. Whatevs.

Here's the breakdown.


Starting strong. It's all-fruit (sort of like an all-skate at the roller rink, but not really like that at all). Except for bananas. Banana's apparently don't know how to skate.

I prepped for the day the night before (good job, Me! I'm normally not an advance-planning person, but I Meant Business). Strawberries hulled and washed, blackberries cleaned (they were cheap and good from Sam's Club), a couple of tangelos/cuties as they are now called, and a couple of apples packed up in my to-go bag. I also made a fruit smoothie in the morning with all my Juice+ vitamins added in for extra kapow. The smoothie was an apple and a couple of handfuls of frozen berry mix (blue/black/straw/rasp), add water and blend-blend-blend. It was good, albeit a little tart. I would have added a packet of Truvia but ran out and really don't love grocery shopping so it wasn't worth a trip. It's the Juice+ that makes it a little tart, but palatable nonetheless.

And then I got to work and discovered that I had a lunch engagement with some friendies. Eh boy. Trouble.

After lunch I sent Kenny the following text: "If fried fish and pierogies count as a fruit, than I'm tracking to plan today."

Dinner was an apple and a cutie. My lunchtime fruits really kept me filled up, so it was pee-lenty.

In the evening I cleaned and packed my food for the next day. Veggie Day.


Sliced up carrots, browned up some canned diced potatoes with an onion and a bit of Mrs. Dash seasoning, canned beets, and a can of green beans. Sounds questionable, but I figured I could supplement it with a salad from the cafe if needed. And it was a Toastmasters-during-lunchtime day, so I figured I'd have no troubles staying on track. No lunch dates to foil my attempts, just a an innocent Toastmasters meeting, whereas I have my lunch quickly at my desk afterwards as the meetings are from 11:30-12:45. No time to fail with that schedule.


Toastmasters was a "special event day" and there were a lot of snackie-snacks brought in for the celebration. I had forgotten about that.

After lunch I sent Kenny the following text: "If crushed up oreos mixed with cream cheese, rolled into balls and dipped in chocolate count as a vegetable, then I am on track today."

Because 2 of those balls leaped from the plate and were between my lips faster than Ryan Gosling's .... er... nevermind, sidetracking. But anyway, they were in my mouth and having a party.

Dinnertime was something vegetable-y for me. More carrots, and I think some of the potatoes, but really the potatoes weren't that good - they do require oil to make 'em crispy and delicious. I would have loved to have had a baked potato, but I didn't have any of those onhand. Remember, I'm a pretty lazy shopper.

Kenny's response to my text message: "If red velvet cake counts as a meat, you'll be good to go on meat day."


This day is supposed to be fruits and vegetables all the live-long day. No problem. I have plenty of strawberries, carrots, blackberries and whatnot. I opened up some canned pineapple for variety.

Hell, I don't even remember what we ate/did that day. I remember getting home around 9 p.m. That's about all I know. Maybe I ate on track. All I know for sure is that by now I'm watching the bananas (16 of 'em, I bought in anticipation of Kenny eating 1/2 of 'em) ripen and hoping that they slow it down until I get to potato & banana day.

And then I re-read the plan and realized there is no potato & banana day, just a banana and milk day. Sonofabitch. I don't have any milk (or any more potatoes for that matter. Thanks, Bad-Grocery-Shopper Me).

I start off the morning with a banana. It's good. We're on track. Starting strong again. Cleaning the insides out.

After that? Some salad for lunch (lunch option was out of my control that day, it was pre-ordered for me by someone else). And then I had a long day and came home tired and wanted Mexican food.

So I had tortilla soup and it was good. Rice. Which is sort of like a potato, but since it wasn't even potato day, I guess I can't even grandfather that in. But the plan did call for that diet vegetable soup on that day, and so I just counted the chicken tortilla as a creative substitution. And glossed over the chips & salsa I ate (but really, the salsa could have been for the 6-tomato day plan, I was just a little out of order).


Weighed myself.

SHOCKED. SHOCKED, I SAY. To report I had lost 4 lbs. I don't even know.

Friday I ate something, I'm sure. I did have a salad for lunch (a healthy salad, one I made myself from the cafe with no bullshit added to it, the 4 lb weight-loss spurred me on to a good decision), and some vegan corn soup. Not on the plan, but a good choice anyway.

Then we went to the movies and I ingested a bucket of popcorn. We saw Project X. It was fun and the popcorn was good and a stand-in for dinner. I like to focus on the aspect of the fiber the popcorn provided.


Watching the bunch of bananas turn brown. Getting nervous about 'em going to waste.

Re-weighed myself to see if the 4 lb. loss stuck, or if it was just a fluke. It stuck. I'm shocked.

Celebrated a week of the healthy cleansing by getting the Colonial Slam breakfast at our favorite breakfast restaurant: 2 eggs, corned beef hash (homemade, the best you'll ever have and if you're in the Cleveland area, it's worth it to eat there, Guy Fiery!) rye toast, and homemade potato pancake with applesauce. See, the applesauce is still helping with the cleansing. Right?

Dinner was leftover pizza. Which I just remembered, is what we had for dinner Friday night after our movie-n-popcorn appetizer. We had gone to the early movie. We were ready for pizza afterward, at 8:00. And we capped off the pizza with their dessert of the day, Red Velvet Cake, so it was almost like they were trying to help me with the Cleanse since that could possibly count as a meat for meat day, according to Kenny, and I still wanted to achieve success so I had a piece. It was just so-so. Dieting is hard.

Which brings us to Sunday.

I woke up concerned about the imminent demise of the bananas. They were not going to be long for this world.

So I did what any good, cleanse-type person would do, and re-purposed them. Into a healthy Juice+ shake. Or a cake. You pick.

I added the leftover pineapple to it on a whim, and also some coconut oil since I didn't have butter (again, finger points to me for bad grocery shopping), so this could really count on all-fruit day.

So there you have it. The Cleanse. I should market this little plan to The Cleveland Clinic, Dr. Oz, the Biggest Losers, and everyone else who thinks they know how to clean out a body. Because this, Reader, is a diet that is really pretty easy to follow. And isn't that what we all want - a diet that doesn't feel like a diet, something that can become a lifestyle change?

You're welcome.