Sunday, February 26, 2012

Misery Loves Company

Below is The Cleanse, if you're curious and would like to suffer along with me. I picked up enough stuff for the first three days of it, and need to get milk (or almond milk) for Day 4, and then I'll need beef for Day 5. I also need potatoes, now that I think about it, and some stuff to make the vegetable soup. Shit. I guess I'm not as prepared as I'd thought I was after my $183 shopping extravaganza at Sam's Club yesterday.

You know, I spent almost $100 on just the bare essentials - canned cat food, toilet paper, cat litter, and laundry detergent. I didn't even buy paper towels, because they were $20 for the package and I figure I'll get a smaller, cheaper package at the regular store. The $20 bills were just adding up quickly in my cart. I'm a terrible budget-er, meaning that I don't really budget at all, and just spend until the money runs out. With that system the money sometimes runs out prior to payday, which creates a conundrum. I budgeted by holding off on paper towels and cat insulin. I'm pretty sure the insulin can stretch through til Tuesday. Suzy Orman may want to hire me for my fiscal savvy.

Here's the plan, copied and pasted:

This plan can be used as often as you like without any fear of complications. It is designed to flush your system of impurities and give you a feeling of wellbeing. After seven days you will begin to feel lighter because you will be lighter by at least 10 lbs. You will have an abundance of energy and an improved disposition.

During the first seven days you must abstain from all alcohol
You must drink 10 glasses of water each day

Day One All fruits except bananas. Your first day will consist of all the fruits you want. It is strongly suggested that you consume lots of melons the first day. Especially watermelon and a loupe. If you limit your fruit consumption to melons, your chances of losing three lbs. on first day are very good.

Day One: Fruits ONLY, no bananas. Watermelon and cantaloupe highly recommended. Follow the recommendation. I do about 5 lbs each of watermelon and cantaloupe and maybe a serving of something else during the day. I chop it all up the day before and have it ready to go. You wake up, eat the melons till you are stuffed. When you feel hungry, eat more melon till you are stuffed. Repeat until you go to bed.

Day Two All vegetables. You are encouraged to eat until you are stuffed with all the raw or cooked vegetables of your choice. There is no limit on the amount or type. For your complex carbohydrate, you will start day two with a large baked potato for breakfast. You may top the potato with one pat of butter.

Day Two: Large baked potato for breakfast with a bit of oil or butter. Was anything else mentioned? I don’t think so. Take note of the “a bit” as well. I usually do two small ones because big ones are hard to find where I live. Vegetables ONLY all day. No bananas. Go ahead and have the stupid soup, it’s made from vegetables. I personally prefer raw veggies so I skip the soup for the whole diet except day 4 because it is specified. I also only do raw veggies on veggie days. That’s your choice. Two heads broccoli, two large cucumbers, 4 large carrots, half a lettuce and a few sticks of celery last time I did this. Yes cucumbers are veggies too believe it or not. I also try to stick to more green veggies. Eaten to feeling full every time I felt hungry.

Day Three A mixture of fruits and vegetables of your choice. Any amount, any quantity. No bananas yet. No potatoes today.

Day Three: Fruits AND Veggies ONLY, no bananas. This gets tricky: Day One + Day Two – Potato. If you have any questions go stand outside

Day Four Bananas and milk. Today you will eat as many as eight bananas and drink three glasses of milk. This will be combined with the special soup which may be eaten in limited quantities.

Day Four: 3 cups of milk, 8 bananas, and soup when you want. This is the easiest day. Wake up, have a cup of milk (that’s about 250mL) and a banana. Call that breakfast. Next time you feel hungry, have a banana. In fact, every time you feel hungry today, eat a banana. For lunch, have some of the soup, have a cup of milk, and if you are still hungry, have a banana. Do that until dinner, when you will have a cup of milk and some soup, and you guessed it… a banana. You probably won’t eat 8 bananas. You’ll probably go for the soup instead. Of course you can change the order of all of the above, but you ONLY drink 3 x 250mL of milk, and eat UP TO 8 bananas, and have some soup. That’s it!

Day Five Today is feast day. You will eat beef and tomatoes. Eat two 10 oz. portions of lean beef. Hamburger is OK. Combine this with six whole tomatoes. On day five you must increase your water intake by one quart. This is to cleanse your system of the uric acid you will be producing.
Day Five: ONLY beef (or suitable substitute) and 6 tomatoes. Just don’t eat more than 20oz of beef. And make sure it is lean and cooked. Stick in the oven, pan fry it, BBQ it. Who cares? Just cook it and eat it. And make sure you eat at least 6 tomatoes. Suck it up princess, this day is boring.

Day Six Beef and vegetables. Today you may eat an unlimited amount of beef and vegetables. Eat to your hearts content.

Day Six: ONLY beef and vegetables. Try this logic: Day 3 + Day 5 – Potatoes +(extra beef if you want and the veggies don’t have to be tomatoes). Any questions and you are on toilet duty.

Day Seven Today your food intake will consist of brown rice, fruit juices and all the vegetables you care to consume.

Day Seven: Brown rice, vegetables, pure fruit juice. ONLY. What part of that “pure” do you not understand. McD’s orange soda is not pure fruit juice. It’s actually not juice. That stuff that comes out of oranges when you squish them is juice. Fantastically the capitalist ideal of the division of labour has saved us all from squeezing balls to get juice so you can just go buy some in a box or jar or something. But you can make your own if you want.

Tomorrow morning you will be 10-17 lbs. lighter than one week ago. If you desire further weight loss, repeat the program again. You may repeat this program as often as you like, however, it is suggested that you are allowed two glasses of white wine in addition to the instructions on the program. You may substitute champagne for white wine. Under no circumstances are you to drink any other alcoholic beverages with the exception of beer which is allowed (someone who likes beer must have written this!). Any liquor (bourbon,vodka, rum) is forbidden. Cream drinks are especially forbidden. You may have an occasional cordial such as creme de menthe or schnapps, but you must always limit yourself to two drinks. If you wine, drink only wine that day. If you have beer, drink only beer that day, etc. Alcohol adds empty calories to your diet. However, after the first week it will help your digestion and settle your stomach.

G.M.’S Wonder Soup

The following soup is intended as a supplement to your diet. It can be eaten any time of the day in virtually unlimited quantities. You are encouraged to consume large quantities of this soup.

28 oz, Water, 6 Large Onions, 2 Green Peppers, Whole Tomatoes (fresh or canned), 1 Head Cabbage, 1 Bunch Celery, 4 Envelopes Lipton Onion Soup Mix, Herbs and Flavouring as desired.

Additional Comments

Vegetables as may be taken in the form of a salad if desired. No dressing except malt, white or wine vinegar, squeezed lemon, garlic, herbs. No more than one tea spoon of oil.
You have been given a recipe for the WONDER SOUP which can be eaten in unlimited quantities. This soup is a supplement while you are on the program and it should be a pleasure to eat. Not everyone likes cabbage, green peppers, celery etc. This recipe is not inflexible. You may substitute vegetables according to your taste. You may add any vegetables you like: asparagus, peas, corn, turnips, green beans, cauliflower, etc. Try to stay away from beans (lima, pinto, kidney, etc.), however, because they tend to be high in calories even though they are very good for you.

Beverages you may consume while on the program :
1. Water (flavoured with lemon/lime if desired).
2. Club Soda is OK.
3. Black Coffee. No cream or cream substitute. No sugar or sweetness.
4. Black Tea = Herb or Leaf.
5. Absolutely nothing else except the fruit juices which are part of day seven. No fruit juices before day seven.

How and Why It Works

Day One you are preparing your system for the upcoming program. Your only source of nutrition is fresh or canned fruits. Fruits are nature’s perfect food. They provide everything you could possibly want to sustain life except total balance and variety.

Day Three eliminates the potato because you get your carbohydrates from the fruits. You system is now prepared to start burning excess pounds. You will still have cravings which should start to diminish by day four.

Day Four, bananas, milk and soup sound the strangest and least desirable. You’re in for a surprise. You probably will not eat all the bananas allowed. But they are there for the potassium you have lost and the sodium you may have missed the past three days. You will notice a definite loss of desire for sweets. You will be surprised how easy this day will go.

Day Five, Beef and tomatoes. The beef is for iron and proteins, the tomatoes are for digestion and fibre. Lots and lots of water purifies your system. You should notice colorless urine today. Your allowance calls for the equivalent of five “quarter ponders”. Do not feel you have to eat all this beef. You must eat the six tomatoes.

Day Six is similar to day five, Iron and proteins from beef, Vitamins and fibre from vegetables. By now your system is in a total weight loss inclination. There should be a noticeable difference in the way you look today, compared to day one.

Day Seven finished off the program like a good cigar used to finish off Victorian meals, except much healthier. You have your system under control and it should thank you for the flushing and cleaning you just gave it.


1. Beef. You are vegetarian. Then use your usual beef substitute. That is not chicken. Use your brain.
2. Seasonings, cooking methods, etc etc. Did the diet say to put on some seasoning besides “malt, white or wine vinegar, squeezed lemon, garlic, herbs”? And “No more than one tea spoon of oil.”? I think those quotation marks answer your question about seasonings. Cooking: raw is better for you than cooked and that is fact; but it doesn’t say not to cook, so cook away.
3. When to eat the soup. Day 4 is one day that you eat it. The soup is made from vegetables. I’d assume it is safe to say you can go for it on any day you can eat vegetables, in addition to day 4. I’d lay off the onion mix, but that’s just me. Not a big fan of chemicals.
4. How much weight you will lose. It depends. Don’t be too optimistic if you aren’t obese. This is a hard reset on your system and you will “feel” some results. When you are finished, don’t go straight back to McD. Embrace the good habits you just developed. You certainly won’t gain much weight on this diet.
5. Drinks and alcohol. White wine and beer is ok, BUT think for a second! You are trying to lose weight. Do you think wine and beer will help? If not, don’t drink. Coffee and tea are taken plain. Green tea is better than black tea. Water can be spiked with citrus only on fruit days. You really don’t have many options here.

Saturday, February 25, 2012


I am very busy today. Veerrrrry biiiiiizzzzzy. Ordering my snorkel gear for my upcoming trip. I have an aversion to using communal snorkel gear. There's a lot of mouths out there I wouldn't wanna kiss (well, to be fair, there's a lot I have kissed that I probably shouldn't have, too), and it's sort of intimate like that to me. Not that I tongue the tube or anything (that's what she said! Booyah!).

So I'm going to Mexico prepared. I'm also going prepared with 2 giant cups, because it's an all-inclusive liquor extravaganza, and I want a Big Cup when I'm getting my margarita. I'm taking 2 cups so that my friendie will have a cup of giant margarita, too. I'm considerate like that. So there.

In other news.

I don't have a lot of other news. I am planning to begin a fasting/cleansing diet of sorts, it's a 7-day event, and it's sort of weird. For instance, on Day 1, you eat fruit. Only fruit, nothing but the fruit, so help you Garth, sans bananas. Day 2 is all vegetables, all the vegetables you wish, sans potatoes. And then on Day 3 you eat potatoes and bananas and drink up some milk or something like that. Day 4 is beef & tomatoes day. And then there's some weirdo stuff on the other days, strange-o combinations, but I figure it's only for 7 days, and heck, I've got to prepare the Temple for chips, guacamole and margaritas. So that may start today, depending upon when I get up and go to the grocery store. I am anticipating starting today, and therefore have only had coffee (approved) and peaches so far for breakfast.

The things we buy into. Kenny, for the record, has scoffed and said, "No way, Pal, I'm not buying into this hocus-pocus." I told him he'll be regretting that decision when it's baked potato and banana dinner on Monday. Because if that's what I'm eating, that's all that I'm cooking, so he might as well get on board.

Speaking of cooking. My kitchen stinks. Literally, not figuratively. A reminder, we don't have a dishwasher (well, we do, her name is Trixie Bang Bang), and our dishwasher works intermittently. But our cook (also named Trixie Bang Bang) cooks intermittently, so it's not like there's a huge pile up of dishes at the moment.

However. Something in there stinks. And last night I finally got to the root of the problem. While there are only about 6 things in the sink (collected one-at-a-time during the week) that need washed, there was a Sink-Stink Culprit. That item? An egg poacher contraption. Whereas our cook poached an egg last weekend, and then just put a little water in the poacher and closed it back up to "soak". That turned into a stagnant-water-and-rotten-egg smell. Who wants to move in? I'm taking applications.

I'm tempted to just throw the poacher out, but that wouldn't be wise. I've got it sprayed down with harsh chemicals to kill the smell in anticipation of the washing of the 6 dishes.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I need a wife. A good, old-fashioned-Leave-it-to-Beaver wife. Because our cook and maid? Suck. I'm also taking applications for that. Line forms at the rear (that's what she said?).

Alrightie, I'm off to write up a shopping list. Don't envy me. My life isn't as glamorous as it sounds.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Lick It Real Good

Tonight's Feature Presentation is Kitty Purry Takes A Bath.

An aggressive stretch of the tongue, a little eyes-rolled-back for effect, and it's time to get to work. The first lick sets the stage, working over the cat torso.

After the initial attack, she moves in a little more softly, with a side-angle twist of the tongue. She's still working it over in pretty quick bursts, as evidenced by the blur of the ear:

A few more licks to smooth any feathers that may be ruffled:

And a big finale finish on the paw.

I apologize. This isn't the best use of your time. However, it couldn't have cost you more than 28 seconds, so it's not a huge loss.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Size DOES Matter.

I never before realized the importance of reading about vacuum cleaner cord length when making a purchase until I bought a vacuum cleaner with a cord that stops short.

Bissell, no less. Shame on you, Brand Name.

I didn't know that was something I had to read and process on the box before making my selection, but apparently it is something to note.

Now, a little bit of history about the vacuum cleaners that have come and gone in this house. They tend to commit suicide when they live here. They just don't last long. So we have gone through a lot of them.

Kenny actually killed a Dyson before I moved in, and when it stopped working he just set it out on the treelawn, without trying to resurrect it. A DYSON, Reader. He didn't understand the value of the Dyson, he didn't know it was the Mac-Daddy of the Vacuum Cleaner World and perhaps worth a second chance at life.

I own(ed) a very good vacuum, a Simplicity, that I paid over $600 for back in the day, and that was after my ex-husband did a lot of extensive vacuum-cleaner-purchasing research to narrow it down to the Simplicity. He may have poor moral integrity, but he was an excellent product researcher. Me? I'm much more impulsive and will just buy whatever strikes my fancy. Mr. M recently noted about me, "You've always lacked impulse control." That's a fair statement.

But anyway, back to the exciting world of my vacuum cleaner. I lost my Simplicity when I stored it in my brothers attic area, and since then he has gone bat-shit crazy and I have no hope of reclaiming any of the items I had there.

I learned a few good lessons when I got divorced about storing things at other people's houses: No matter how much people may insist it's no problem at the time, things happen and it just never simply works out well. Eventually it's a problem, and like now, I ended up losing my belongings. But prior to my brother going bat-shit, I had lost a lot of my items because I'm fairly certain my (ex) sister-in-law took some of my things and sold them (Coach purse collection), because one time when I was there looking for something, I noticed that not all my things were there.

Like I said, Lessons Learned.

Apparently I didn't need all the stuff I had shoved in his attic or I would have brought it all with me. Right? In my mind I've just pretended it all went up in a house fire, because basically it's the same thing.

And that, Reader, is just a little snippet into my exciting family life that I rarely mention. Because they are ka-razy. Now I seem more sane, don't I??

If I'm a little impulsive, so what? It's all relative (get it, Murd? that one's for you!).

But anyway, once AGAIN back to the exciting world of vacuum cleaners.

When I moved into my charming home with Kenny, he didn't even own a vacuum, he borrowed from downstairs. Which is ridiculous. But he felt he'd killed enough of them, and would just borrow one as needed. That statement also provides a glimpse into his housekeeping skills when I moved in, too. Because it really has to be some hot-mess to warrant a trip up and down stairs to borrow a vacuum, and not so much an everyday use kind of thing. But I'm not here to judge (hahaha, of course I am, I judge everything, Reader!).

I figured Kenny just didn't know how to properly operate a vacuum and we went out and bought an average-priced cleaner. In the $200 range. Not top-of-the-line, just your basic-business cleaner. Eureka or Hoover or something. At that time I could have gone and picked up my Simplicity, but I was a little hesitant to do so after hearing this house killed a Dyson. I figured I'd keep it over there for safekeeping. That was a bad decision, in retrospect, as it may still work, but not for me.

It didn't take long for the new vacuum to blow up.

So we bought another one.

And it, too, blew up.

I began to realize that Kenny wasn't exaggerating: This house DOES kill vacuums.

But with a couple of kittens (see how I downplayed the number here?) romping around the house, and the litter pan kicking up dust in a back room instead of a basement, it's necessary to own a vacuum.

After several more purchases, I finally said, "Fuck it!" and bought the cheapest-of-the -cheap at The Wal*Mart. Forty bucks. Limited filters.

And realized that maybe those fancy vacuums with all those filters can't handle the dust/cat-hair this house generates and they clog up and die. Because that $40 vacuum? Lasted about 3 years.

It recently died this past December. So we hightailed it back to The Wal*Mart and bought another $40 Bissell vacuum cleaner. I had looked at the slightly upgraded model, it was about $70, but then reminded myself that the cheapest thing out there lasted longer than any others, why fuck with a winner.

The first time I went to vacuum the house I realized they took a shortcut with this model. And lopped off at least 2 feet of cord. Because this vacuum? I can't even vacuum the length of the living room without plugging it into 2 different outlets. And I live in a smallish 2-bedroom (I've been told that this place is actually 1100 square feet, which really isn't that small for a 2-bedroom). But it's small enough that I should be able to vacuum the entire living room from one outlet location, right?

I'm disgruntled.

Oh, to be fair it is a different model than the one that recently broke - we opted for the bagless version this time. I didn't realize then that I needed to note the cord length. Now I know.

So really, Bissell taught me a little math lesson. I guess I should be thankful for the free education. Perhaps in the owner's manual they could include a little passage of clever curse phrases, to keep it fresh every time the plug comes undone when I go from one end of the room to the other. Because I've exhausted all my favorites.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Girl Gone Wild

You know you're getting old when....

You have to put arthritis cream on your foot before you go out on the town. Where "out on the town" means a local bar, sitting instead of dancing, and probably home by 11:30ish.

Just another chapter in my wild wild life.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Guilty Wieners and Dusty Eyes

I always feel like I've been let in on an inside secret when I finally realize the actual words to a song I've been mumbling through for years. You know those songs. The ones where you can understand most of it, and love those parts and sing them really loudly, but there's that one line or two that you can't quite make out, so you just sort of wing it.

I've been singing a line from a song like this, knowing I couldn't quite make out the actual lyrics: "The dust is something something over and and over..." or sometimes I'd think it went like this: "The dust in your eyes is over and over."

Sometimes I'd just start out "The Dust..." and trail off and jump in at the next line ..."Baby blue eyes, your head on my shoulder" - because I KNEW that line, and I'd get really loud there, to prove I knew it.

That's a Rascal Flatts song, by the way. Your welcome. Because if I didn't put it out there you'd have to go all the way to Almighty Google and just satisfy your curiosity.

Now you could be thinking, "Why not just to to Almighty Google and find out what the lyrics are, rather than singing the wrong line all the time?"

Which makes perfect sense, except that I enjoy the challenge of deciphering, Reader. Or I'm too lazy, or just not bothered as much as I am by, say, non-rhythmic trashcan poetry.

Because when you finally get the lyrics?? Oh, is it a smug smug moment. I smugged myself the whole 20 minute ride home, once I figured out the lyrics are actually, "A dust trail following an old red Nova." Because the song is Fast Cars & Freedom. Now it makes sense, the Fast Cars part. Is a Nova a fast car??

Maybe that's still the wrong line, but I feel as if I've really got it. And now I want them to play that song all the time so I can really belt it out.

Other songs that had me lyrically challenged? George Michael: "Two left feet have got no rhythm."

Actually makes more sense than "Guilty feet". Even "Guilty wieners got no rhythm" which is what I also thought it might be saying. And that even makes more sense, Guilty Wieners don't DESERVE any rhythm!

And then there's the song that has made-up words and you THINK you're singing the wrong thing, and come to find out you're doing it right all along.

Example: curialism
Really, song writer? Shame on you for tricking the public.

What have you got, Reader? What are your mystery lyrics?