I spent Easter Sunday enjoying an early supper with My Mister's family while he was at work. It was just the girls. And I learned things. Things about vaginas. At the Easter dinner table. And it scared me.
I learned about pessaries. And I didn't like what I was hearing one bit.
"How did this conversation come about?", you may wonder. The beloved grandmother was having a little trouble sitting. She seemed to be in some pain. I, concerned of course, inquired, "Why whatever is troubling you, Beloved Grandmother??" and she replied, "Oh, it's just my pessary, it's not in a good position."
I think my eyes popped out of my head a little and I asked what part of the body exactly is the pessary. More body parts I've never heard of before, which wouldn't surprise me too much as I have only in the last year learned about the psoas muscle, as a possible link to my back troubles. So I figured the pessary was probably connected to the psoas, and from Beloved Grandmother's expression, sometimes it could get a little out of place and cause discomfort.
How wrong I was.
The ladies at the table let me in on the Secrets of the Sisterhood. And those secrets? Suck, Reader. Apparently our lady parts can just fall right out of our vaginas. And a pessary is a thing that can be inserted to keep your body parts in your body. Imagine that. One of the ladies actually went to her car and got me an article about the pessary and the problems of falling-out body parts, it's apparently so common she just had an article about it in her car. Just hanging around. That's how common this problem is, and here I was just la-la-la-ing through my life, never worrying about my internal organs falling out of my vagina hole.
Oh, I miss my innocence.
One Lady of the Sisterhood informed me that one day she looked down and saw her bladder just coming right out of her vagina hole. Just sticking out. She had to try and smoosh it back in there, and then we talked about the surgery that ladies can have to fix up their hoo-ha's and avoid the need for the pessary altogether.
I confidently said, "I don't think I'll have any of those problems, I've never had kids so really my organs should stay where they are."
Nay nay, Reader. Not so. As the article gently pointed out, the old insides can decide to get a breath of fresh air just because they are exactly that - old insides. Age can make your bladder and other parts wanna climb down through the Looking Glass and get a peek into the great outdoors. Maybe they want to go camping.
Reader. If I look down there and see something organ-like coming out of my vagina, I am going to Freak.The.Fuck.Out. Just so you know. In case you hear the screams.
So now I'm worried. I've been doing a lot of kegel exercises, getting that vagina floor tightened up (as the article suggested). And hope that love lifts things up where they belong, like the song says. Because who knows what tomorrow brings. One day your bladder is sitting up where it belongs, the next thing you know it's waving at you from between your legs.
And that was my Easter lesson. And now it is yours.
You're welcome. And I'm sorry.