Over Exposed

Before we head out of town for our New Years Eve celebration in Sin City, I am going to leave you with this:

No, it's not my blinding beauty that's the focus. It's the hat. The hat with the 5 lights shining off the brim. That little light clip was in Kenny's bag o' gifts. I just found it tonight when I was unpacking everything. Kenny doesn't wear hats, but we happened to have one lying around from one of our cruises, so I clipped 'er on and tried 'er out. She's bright, I will say that. I want to wear it around in the dark all the time. It's sort of fun.

I turned out all the lights and went to the bathroom with only the light from the brim of my hat to guide the way. This lighted hat contraption is so fantastical I took a picture of it for you, Reader, despite my haggard it's-midnight-and-I-don't-have-on-any-makeup-and-I've-been-cleaning-the-house-oh, yeah-I have-some-premenstrual-breakouts-don't-I-look-GREAT and posted all over the interwebs just for you. Risking people who would love to see me looking like this stumbling across this site and laughing and laughing and laughing. The lighted hat is that great.

I will point out that I think my dark-circle under-eye lightening cream is working a little bit - they're not too bad under the eyes and this is at their absolute worst. I definitely look better a tad fixed up. Ah, well. It is what it is. I make no excuses for who I am. Well, not too many excuses.

While I'm pointing out Great Things About Me, I figured I'd included a picture of the pajama top I was sporting around the house in all my sexy wonder. Here it is, Pink Magic. Yes, those are a few stains right above the left boozum hole. What of it.

Kenny suggested I use this as my first sewing project with my new Christmas machine. But alas, I knew when enough was enough and I put the old girl in the trash. She's sitting out on the treelawn right now. Maybe I should have tried to save her. On a good note, my friend Joanne took pity on my pajama plight, even before seeing Pink Magic, and I got a new pair of jammies for Christmas.

Since I blog-committed to working on bringing my Sexy, back, I surprised Kenny with a Santa's Little Helper suit for a Christmas bonus. A slight step up from Pink Magic, but certainly not as comfortable. Although Toby (the cat) did enjoy laying between my boozums and biting the faux-fur neckline.

That's all I've got to tide you over until I return. Happy New Year - cheers to 2010! I'm ready to usher it in!

Post-Holiday Wrap Up

Another Christmas passes by. As far as holidays go, it was a rather nice one for us. After all the gift-worry, it all turned out just fine. Kenny likes his jacket (or so he says!), my Major Award from him was a bee-u-tee-ful diamond necklace:

It's really quite pretty, and heavy with diamonds, princess cuts on the inside and brilliant round on the outside. Considering I wasn't even that good this year, it's a pretty nice gift!

Kenny's mom got me a fantastic gift, a sewing machine. I literally squealed with delight when I opened that surprise. Now, who knows what I'm going to do with it, but since I took a sewing class last year I've been thinking it would be nice to have a machine. Maybe next year I'll make quilts for everyone for Christmas! I'd better get started RIGHT NOW if that's the plan. Everyone will end up with potholders...I know me and my craft-record. Great ideas that amount to nothing more than a bunch of fabric stuffed in a bag in a back closet. But my possibilities with a new sewing machine are now endless! Kenny got Rock Band for Wii. We have Rock Band for the X-box, and have only used it once or twice. We definitely need a video gaming room.

All-in-all, it was a good Christmas weekend with much time spent with those we love. I haven't seen my nephews yet, but hopefully I'll get out there before next Christmas.

Now all that's left is to clean up the rubble. My house is seriously bordering on being worthy of an episode of Hoarders. I'm going to get off of here shortly and go through it with a large trash bag and Make Things Happen around here. How does it get this bad?? I don't really know, other than a complete disregard for putting anything away for about three weeks straight. Maybe I'll post before & after photos. I also have to get my New Years resolutions written up, still need to write a speech for Nerd Club, and get my laundry in order since we leave for Vegas Wednesday night. I upgraded our asses to First Class. Cost a bunch of miles and $50 - but we don't have First Class upgrades yet for the return trip home, but I'm going to put that request out to the Universe and not give it another thought.

The little baby black kitty got declawed last Tuesday. She's still walking around very tentatively on her little cat feet, and we've taken to carrying her around. And bringing her food and water to her. About six o'clock in the morning I woke up very worried, the Baby was in the same spot on the bed where she had been for hours. She only moves on an as-needed basis with her sore tootsies. So I got up and brought her a glass of cold water, so she could drink in bed. She enjoyed that. Then Kenny carried her to her litter box. She promptly hopped out, but she is definitely a little tender foot. I feel so badly for her and really hate the declaw, but I know it's for the Greater Good, with the Greater Good being my leather furniture.

Alrightie, I'm ready to get busy around here. I do have turkey roasting in the oven and it smells wonderful. I'm like June Cleaver, only without the housecleaning gene. Well, ya can't have it all.

Hope everyone had a very good holiday! Can't wait to read your updates. Post pictures. Entertain me.

The Original Cougar Town

Little by little, Kenny is beginning to perform with a band called Player's Club. Practice has been limited to date, so he only jumps up with them for a few songs. Their first gig has been at the Rockside Road Holiday Inn lounge, which is a microcosm of life that just begs for intense people-watching. What's beyond The Cougar?? Well, whatever that label is needs to be applied here. The women are beyond their 40's, the men are welllll beyond their 50's and they're all just lookin' for love. Kenny called it the Island of Misfit Toys. But they come out, any night of the week, and dance dance dance. That floor is crowded! And I love to sit back and watch how Dancing With The Stars has inspired a nation.

So Wednesday night Kenny jumped onstage towards the end of the night and sang a little Neil Diamond and played a little harmonica. I've captured it here for your enjoyment. Next time I'm going to try and capture the movers and the shakers on the dance floor. No, not to mock them - but simply so you too can enjoy the moment.

P.S.

A few comments from previous blogs:

My little brother, on the Neti-Pot recap: "I'm really glad you didn't need an enema."

More to come....

It's The Thought, Right?

Christmas Eve Day. Tomorrow's The Big Reveal - what did Kenny and I actually buy for each other?? We had set a $25 limit on ourselves, since we're going to Vegas for New Years, but that got thrown out the window at some point.

One of the more fun things we had been doing was just telling each other all the fantastical things we would have bought each other, since it's the thought that counts anyway (supposedly). We would start every story with, "I was going to buy you a car!" .. and then go on to whatever else had crossed our mind. Today I told him what I would have bought for him. Here's how it unfolded:

T: "I was in Williams-Sonoma looking around for you..."
K: "What's a Williams-Sonoma?"
T: "A housewares store, they sell all sorts of contraptions for the kitchen."
K, sniggering: "Yeah, that's exactly where you should be looking for something for ME! What the hell would you even think I would want from a kitchen store??"
T: "Well, as a matter of fact, I was THINKING of getting you a French Press coffee maker (we had French-pressed coffee when we stayed at the Beverly Hills Hotel back in the spring and we loved it) - but they had a couple that ranged in price from $60 to $100, and that's too expensive for my blood."
K: "Ooh, French-pressed coffee!! Now that's a GREAT idea, I would have really liked that!"
T: "See, you would like something from the kitchen store. Idiot-for-mocking-me."

But he's not getting a French Press, because I'm not spending $100 on one.

But we did end up totally blowing our $25 budget. I started it, I guess. I told him I blew it and got him something that was $250, plus a few other knick-knacks, then he told me that he had to make sure he doubled-up on that so he spent around $650 on me (which is way more than doubling up). Now I have all sorts of present-stress, because he may not even LIKE what I bought him, in fact when he was guessing he said sardonically, "It's not a jacket, is it?" and of course it is, so while I quickly said, "No! Why would I buy you a stupid jacket!" it's really a jacket. Don't fret, Reader, my beloved doesn't even know where to go to read this site, his opinion is that he lives this shit, he doesn't need to read about it. Oh, if he did, the things he could find out! Sucka.

So now I'm sitting on a jacket as his main gift, a jacket he mocked (cause he has a closet full of jackets, but this is a really cool leather jacket with Thinsulate to keep his ass warm out there, which his current and favorite leather jacket does not have), a movie he's seen multiple times (The Hangover, but the unrated version so there should be some extra-special Christmas nudity, sexual explicitness and cursing), and a couple other insignificant things, and I'm up against a $650 gift. Jeez.

Oh, I did have a surprise lined up for today, but he pestered me to the point that I told him what it was last night - breakfast and a tour of the Christmas Story House. That was in the works for today, and he LOVED the idea! But now he doesn't want to go today because it'll more than likely be crowded beyond belief, so he wants to go another day. But he loved the thought. And that's what counts, right?

Fa-la-la-la-la

Sick. Thought last week with nasty cough was beginning and end, but it seems it was just a prelude. Achy, stuffy, blah blah. Good thing I don't have my Christmas things done yet. Ah, well, I'll make Kenny run errands if needed. He's a good boyfriend like that.

The little baby Blackie - who I tried to name Luka, by the way, cause she lives on the second floor, but Kenny didn't like it - anyway, she goes in tomorrow for her declaw. It always makes me feel bad, especially the food and water deprivation part.

I watched two more episodes of Vampire Diaries. That show scares me, I need to take it in small doses. Kenny can suck it, telling me to get a grip on myself, I'm 43. It's scary!

Off to bed with Nyquil and Vicks Vaporub.

By The Number

Braved the Mall today.  Had to. It's a long back story, but in a nutshell, when I moved in with Kenny I threw out his most-disgusting bed pillow and he hasn't had a decent nights sleep since. I've been on a quest to find The Perfect Pillow, FAR Better Than That Disgusting Thing You Were Resting Your Head Upon for the past four years for him. To no avail.

Last month I wandered into the Sleep Number store and ended up with two new pillows for both of us. Some sort of pillow shell thing that you can put a pillow insert into, and find your "perfect sleep number pillow" or whatever. Well, I had purchased those foam things for the insert part and they STUNK. Literally. That foam shit is highly overrated - why would anyone want something underneath their nose that stinks so badly??  "It's the chemicals," the sales people... er.. Sleep Professionals! told me. No shit.

Well, I had to get these exchanged today, was the last day to do so. It had to be an exchange, not a refund, and it's rather difficult to find something that costs less than a bajillion dollars at the Sleep Number store. I did exchange them for a new, stinkless and less firm insert for Kenny's pillow, and a reading pillow for myself. They kindly put the remaining $27 as a credit back on my card, 'cause there was nothing left to buy.

Came home, tried out the new pillow insert and he still hated it. Heads too high. WTF. So Kenny finally had enough and gutted his old pillow, pulled out the stuffing, and "stuffed" the expensive Sleep Number shell thingamajig to the perfect density and now he is happy. For the moment. And Stanley the cat is happy, because he now has a Sleep Number insert pillow-cased up for his comfort next to me on the recliner.

More of "Conversations with Kenny"

T to K: You know, you really know some weirdos. You should start hanging out with a better class of people!

K to T: Well, I tried that once. And then I met you.

Two Christmas bulbs, and a....

......Kitten in a small tree!

We all enjoy Christmas

Cats in the christmas tree?? But of course!

A Super-Cheap Date

There's a wine store next door to my ladie's gym which I've paid cursory attention to for the past four years. It looks small and dingy on the outside, and in the nice weather they set out a little green plastic table with plastic chairs in a cheap imitation of a delightful sidewalk bistro. They also advertise wine tasting events every week, but I always noted that with a dismissive glance and went about my way, passing judgement on the exterior of building.

And then my friend went up there a week ago and said it was surprisingly nice inside (she also goes to the ladie's gym next door).  So we went last night and let me tell you, it's the best deal in town. The interior of the wine store is charming, with nice Tuscany-flavored furnishings and paint, knick-knacks, and spotlessly clean.

Every Friday night, from 5-8 p.m., they offer healthy pours of five different wines to sample with cheese and crackers, for $5.  And for an extra $2.50, they offer two dessert wines and a little basket of homemade desserts!

An older (by older, I'm talking 50's, which really isn't that old now that I'm 43 - drat!) husband and wife team operate this little shindig and they do a bang-up job. He will tell you stories about where the wines come from, colorful antecdotes about the particular vineyards, and the wife bakes the delicacies. For $7.50, we had seven glasses of wine and a sampling of five different homemade Christmas cookies. They change up the theme every week. Next Friday, the dessert menu includes port wines and bread pudding, made with some special Italian fruit bread. I put in my order for a 9 x 13 inch pan, please.

The place, by the way, was hoppin', with at least 50 people there throughout the evening. Not bad for a tiny joint in the middle of a surburban strip mall. The best kept little secret in town, five minutes from home, and here I've been walking on by for the last four years. Just goes to show, the old adage is true: Never judge a bistro by it's cheap plastic chairs.

What Annoys Kenny

Kenny's on a rampage, and it all revolves around television commercials. The first one that sets him off is for State Farm insurance, which starts with a little kid singing. It's not the fact that a little kid is singing (although that can be annoying on it's own), it's that they didn't catch the glitch in the lyrics. The kid sings, "You and I must make a pack." A pack, People. The editors didn't catch that. Kenny's response is always the same, as his head spins a little and spittle gathers at the corners of his lips as he shouts, "A PACK OF WHAT?? A WOLF PACK?? JEZZUSCHRIST HOW FUCKING STUPID THAT THEY LET THAT GO - IT'S A PACT! A PACT!!" Shame on you, State Farm. I wonder if we can get coverage for Kenny's blood pressure, which is surely going to explode his head one day.

His other favorite? The one with the Wilson brother - Luke, who needs a new hairdo by the way - for AT&T. He throws the postcards on the map of the United States, and as he says, "Akron, Ohio" he tosses it down somewhere near Tennessee. Not. Even. Close. Luckily we have a DVR and Kenny's able to rewind it and really get his ire worked up into a froth. In fact, it's ON RIGHT NOW and he's getting twitchy.

You'll Thank Me Later

Well, well, well. December. Lessee where we're at with a quick inventory.

1. Two Christmas gifts purchased to date. And these are for Kenny's mom's dogs, so do they even count? I have no idea what I'm buying - or even who I'm buying for - this year. My list is usually pretty simple, but this year I'd like to reassess it and make sure I'm spreadin' the love where it's needed. I'd better make a new list. I do have to buy something nice for the girl I manage, now that I'm a manager. Kenny and I were debating the amount to spend. Now, I don't make The Big Bucks, and it seems wrong to spend more on someone I work with than a member of my family, so it's going to take a bit of reassessing. Kenny thinks $25 is too cheap, but I spend that on some family and friends, so if I go up to $50 - well, do you see the conundrum? It's a slippery slope, this gift-giving, and while it's not supposed to be about the money, sometimes that's what it just boils down to.
   


2. Speaking of Christmas, I need to figure out what extent of decorating is going to be accomplished this year. I'm considering doin' 'er up this year. If so, I need to get started today, which could be the hold-up to Christmas Cheer. But I am rather excited about it since we have two new "babies" in the house and this will be their first Christmas. With Toby and Little Blackie (Fuji didn't stick, that's a stupid name, I think she will end up being called Blackie), I don't think the tree will stay standing more than about 2 hours. It'll be a fun experiment. I may want to consider holding off on the ornament application until I see how it goes.
   



3. I need to get the plastic wrap applied to the windows. But first I need to face the hillbillies at Wal-Mart to buy the plastic wrap, and that seems to be the hold-up to that project. But these old drafty windows let in too much Old Man Winter to just ignore that stupid winter project, so I'll have to face them sooner or later.
   


4. The house is MESSY. Completely disheveled, in fact. One of the tasks I hate the most is sorting through the mail, and it piles up on the stair steps right outside the mail slit. So much so, in fact, that it poses a trip-hazard going up & down the steps. That's when we (I really mean "I" - Kenny could step over it until it piled up so high he wouldn't be able to leave the house) know it's time to sort through it, which is exactly what I did on Saturday afternoon. But we had such a lazy-log Saturday that I did it from puffy comfort of my large-ass-making recliner, and therefore just threw all the trash on the floor.
   
   I haven't even picked it up yet, it's still sitting right there where I threw it. Just think how accomplished I'll feel when I actually get around to picking it up, I'll be all like, "Look what I did today! I cleaned up a great big pile of trash!" See, it's a psychological game I play with myself, to give myself a feeling of accomplishment. I do the same thing when I'm making a to-do list, I write down stuff I've already done, and then I get to cross it off right away and I feel good about things. Then I take a break.
   



5. Sitting here isn't getting my speech written for Toastmasters (a.k.a. Nerd Club). Just so you know how I've prioritized you, Reader.

6. Have seen two things that have had a lasting impact on me lately, the musical Wicked and the new movie Brothers which just started on Friday night. Now, they are not even in the same genre of entertainment, and I liked them for completely different reasons, but they were both worth noting. Wicked was fantastical, in all it's musical splendor. Brothers is the new war movie with Jake Gyllenhaal and Spiderman McGuire, and it has haunted me the whole weekend. I also saw New Moon, which really just made me embarrassed about the fact that I enjoyed the books. I feel a little ashamed of myself.
   
   
7. We travelled to Atlantic City over the Thanksgiving weekend. We took a small private jet out of Cleveland Hopkins Airport (thanks to Mr. Anderson's rabid gambling) and we didn't have to go through security. I realized at that moment how much I liked doing that and need to get busy doing something with my life to warrant private jets all the time. If only standards were lower, I could coquette my way to the life of luxury.
   

   



8. I've started my 2010 Resolutions List! How's that for being full of Ambition. Things on the short list include:

1/ Creating and sticking to a budget (being a Responsible Adult is waaay overrated)

2/Amping up the sex appeal of my bedroom attire. Now, this won't really be too hard to "amp" it up, I've taken to looking somewhat slovenly in the boudoir. My favorite pink pajama top has achieved the status of "too bad to even be a good rag" and Kenny actually called me on it one night with a, "What the fuck are you even WEARING??" Really, as little attention as he pays to most things around here, I didn't think he'd notice. It's bad, though. It's completely torn down the front alongside the buttons, a hole under the left boob, it's a mess. But comfy. When I think of the efforts I made when I was newly single/getting divorced, the contrast is sharp. I wore scratchy lace things with bows and rosettes, and shaved my legs all the time even if I was sleeping alone. I made it a point to feel sexy, and now? Now it's all gone to hell in a handbasket, so for 2010, I am going to work on bringing my Sexy, back.

3/ Along the same lines, another resolution is to have matchy-matchy undies. No little tears or holes in the lace. Again, when I was newly single, I swapped out all my Married Undergarments because they were what my fat-ass-ex-husband preferred, which is a whole weird exploration in it's own right as he had a fetish for giant white cotton underwear on his women. Maybe that explains his attraction for an older grandmother as his mistress (not kidding), she had the granny-panties as a natural part of her sexy arsenal. Anyway, I seriously digress. Back in 2005 I had an underwear-drawer-revamp and I've just gotten a little lazy with the upkeep. Might as well have very pretty things nestled up against my lady parts. They deserve it.

And really, isn't that enough for now? I've once again ended a good story in the gutter. My job here is done.

Breathin' Easy

Ever since the Great Mold Incident of '09 at the workplace, I've had sinus troubles. Now, I can't form a direct link to my stuffy congestion and the Mold, but I know how it started - it came hand-in-hand with my Mold Cough. The congestion gets worse as the day progresses.


So what's a girl to do? Well, just ask Pete & Vera. While at their house for dinner one evening, around the date of the Day I Turned 43, they presented me with the greatest birthday present ever. Well, in context to being 43, that is. And a 43 where you are having trouble with the simplest of life tasks: breathing. They gifted me with a Neti Pot. Or a Nutty Pot as Vera had dubbed it. Pete had actually bought His & Hers Neti Pots for himself and Vera (who needs diamonds to say "I Heart You"). After they got sick of listening to me wheeze my way through an evening, I was the recipient of Pete's "Hers" pot - unused, of course.




Out of clear concern, Vera wanted to capture the experience for all the world to enjoy. So here ya have it - the Road To A Clearer Nose, in all it's picturesque wonder.

Reading up on this. I'm supposed to fill the little blue teapot with warm water and a salt solution. And then pour it up my nose. Sounds like a great time.

You have to pour it UP your nose, while bending OVER the sink, or it'll go down the throat and make ya gag. I asked Pete to hold my hair, like any good sorority sister would do, but he just tucked it into my shirt for me instead - he didn't want to get in the way of Nostril Cleansing Progress.







Vera, perched on the toilet, made sure to get the iPhone camera right up in my grill the entire time. You can thank her for your enjoyment.

Getting used to it, didn't quite have my head tipped the right way and got a little down the throat. Nice.

What Fun Times looks like:

Waving off the photos while I tried to regroup:

Take 2:

Finally! The cute-as-a-button nose is actually serviceable once again! But notice, the eyes look a little crazy from the experience.

I got a little bit addicted to this thing and have been Nutty-Potting myself like crazy. Kenny's talking about staging an intervention.

I can hardly wait to see what I get when I turn 44. Maybe I'll turn it into a contest for Most Original Idea - but it'd be hard to top the Year of the Nutty Pot.

Next Time, Maybe You'll Reconsider

There's been a lot of this going on in at the house this week:



Stanley:


And since Stan sleeps on his Down pillow, which is right next to my Down pillow, and since he hasn't mastered the art of the Dainty Sneeze, I've had cat mucus sprayed on my face repeatedly for the past few nights.


It hasn't been limited to just Stanley - they've all caught this cold. Kenny's been getting showered on his side of the bed by Girl Cat, Toby has been having machine-gun sneezing fits that, much to my dismay, have not been able to be captured on video because I've been too busy laughing in the face of his sickness. But seriously, it's pretty funny stuff to see in person, he had a record 23 sneezes in a row.

So with all of 'em catching this little nasty bug, Saturday Morning Fun involved wrangling up all five cats and carting their sneezy asses off to the vet. It was quite a chore to wrangle up five of 'em. Girly is so under the weather that she didn't even complain, at least not until I tried to shove Stanley in the cat carrier with her. She ended up beating his ass up a little bit, so I hauled him out and put him in another one with Toby. We only have three carriers - who knew they'd all need to go at the same time? So Girly got to ride in her own carrier, Toby and Stanley were easy enough to catch and shove into another, and the baby Black Kitten (who, by the way, we've officially named Fuji on her vet charts - Kenny likes that name, we'll see if it sticks) tried to make a run for it, but came back when I shook the can of Pounce treats. Twinkle was the only true hold-out, he was under the guest room bed and we had to prod him outta there with a broom handle. He's the sickest of the bunch, it turns out. Hundred-n-four degree temp and a weepy eye.

The vet was rather impressed that we were able to corral all five of 'em. I am, too, as a matter of fact. So they all got anally-raped with the thermometer (which Toby protested the loudest about), shots of the kick-everything-ass antibiotic which lasts for 14 days, and a steroid to make their breathing a little more comfortable today. Twinkle got an additional eyedrop prescription. Everyone should be on the road to recovery. And this counts as the cat's Christmas gifts, since this little endeavor set me back $490. Hey, at least he only charged me for one office visit.

I held the little black baby (Fuji?? hmmm... not sure) in my lap on the way home. She was a great traveler. And then on the way into the house, she shit right on me. Or more like down me, as I was standing upright and carrying her into the house. Maybe she didn't know where she was going. Maybe the thermometer jiggled something loose. Maybe she was just so happy to be home. Whatever the reason, I had to hose off the driveway and clean up the stair step in the hallway. Take that, Mommy, and see what else you get the next time you take me to the vet. I consider myself warned.

Things I Learned

Now that I'm 43, I actually checked the expiration date on the gallon of milk before drinking a glass with my vitamins. Take that, Spoiled Milk! You can't fool ME again! I'm OLDER & WISER now!

Now that I'm 43, I actually used the lint roller to remove the cat from my ass BEFORE I left for work. No more Disheveled Arriver in the morning. Take that, Haired-Up Pants!

Now that I'm 43, I actually have to go to bed instead of staying up late blogging. Take that, Old Lady!

More to come later, when I have time to write the Early Bird Special.

Teaser

I've been giving splotchy Blog lately, and for that, Reader, I apologize. I don't know really how you can even be expected to go about your normal business without my words to ponder throughout your week. But yet you must, and I once again am not going to be pulling my weight in this relationship tonight, either. It's far, far too late to begin detailing the shenanigans that make up my life, but let me assure you that this week There Will Be Blog, and oh yes, there will be accompanying pictures.

It is, after all, Birthday Week. The last Sunday where I will be 42, about to pass me by in 31 minutes. Stand by. It could get messy.

Aisle 6

I - perhaps these are lofty ideals of myself - tend to think of myself as being of medium intellect, and in some circumstances, compared with certain populations, even above-average with my knowledge. While I don't have an exceptional command of the English language, I do like to think that I know some words. So I was taken aback when I was at Giant Eagle tonight, a different store from my norm, and saw this on an overhead sign:


Aseptic? I wonder how many people in Parma go into the store looking for the Aseptic aisle. Apparently enough to way-find it. I saw only assorted beverages down the aisle. Of course I had to Google this immediately when I arrived home and it made a little more sense:

aseptics, (used with a singular verb) a system of packaging sterilized products in airtight containers so that freshness is preserved for several months.

But really? I'm still not convinced this is a good caption call-out. But I do guarantee that the next time I wander in to Giant Eagle, I'm going to saunter up to any clerk I can find and ask if they can tell me where to find the aseptics.

Wild & Crazy Sunday

A lot of this went on in the house about 3 p.m. Sunday:

And then all the picture taking disrupted Toby, who still managed to give mama a pretty pose.

Yes, his pillow has a nice fur coating on it. That's why it's a cat pillow, on the cat bed, in the cat room. Don't judge me for sloppy housekeeping. They are filthy little animals. Who destroy my curtains. But their furry cuteness helps me overlook all that.

Busy Body

Happy Sweetest Day!

My Facebook IM Friday Night Woo (sitting 2 steps over from me in the living room):

10:35pm Ken
wanna fuck
Hey
hey
hey
hey
hey

When You're Not, You're Not

Today was one of those days where I just looked like holy hell. Nothing was working out for me, so the best I could do was just ignore it and go about my day. I had on brown pants, a brown shirt, reminding myself of the time someone called that look "Roast Beef." So I was looking like roast beef. My hair, despite having fresh cut & color, looked askance. Makeup, drab. Boobs, straining. Legs, short. All-in-all, I was happy to scrub off the face, brush up the teeth and slip into my pajamas, which always makes me feel good.

Tomorrow's another day. Maybe I'll be hotter in the morning.

Standing Room Only

Toby, our new boy cat (yes, the name that I originally ordained ended up sticking for him, whereas we are STILL unsettled on a name for the Baby Peanut Tiny Little Blackie Kitty), has picked up the rather annoying habit of showing us how much he loves us by standing on us between the hours of 5 a.m. and 6 a.m. Every. Morning. He's an equal-opportunity stander, too - no favoritism from this fella! He'll stand on first one of us, wait until we are awake, and then move on to the other. If we don't acknowledge The Stand, he'll lean over and touch us nose-to-nose. If it wasn't so freakin' early in the morning it would be rather cute. I guess it's better than having him sit straight down on my face with his cat bunghole (thanks, Stanley, I haven't forgotten that!).

The Baby is still super-adorable. She is finally able to jump up onto the bathroom counter in the morning and she'll curl her cute self into the sink and watch while we pee, shower, whatever it is we do in there. Makes it difficult to brush the teeth, however. But I can't move her, because we all know that No One Puts Baby In A Corner.

Kenny has still been indulging her desires for a daily fresh cuppa ice water on the coffee table as her drinking dish. It's been knocked over twice and that little indulgence may soon come to an end. I asked Kenny why he caters to her like that and he replied, "Because she's just so fucking cute!" That's hard to argue.

So that's the cat update. Now, onto other, even less important, things.

The above photo is for Mr. Murd. I had a hair appointment Saturday morning and he was curious to see what type of head shenanigans would unfurl. We stayed with just a simple color refresh and some lowlights to winterize it up a little, no cut and nothing crazy.

Five weeks ago when I was there I wanted to get it cut short, into a little "bob" or whatever and my stylist said NO. She told me that I would have to tell her to cut it short for two appointments in a row before she'd do it and of course later I was glad she didn't do it. Especially with that humidity in Alaska, I would have looked like a frizzy puff ball with short hair. So there ya have it. Kenny asked how much this little number cost. With a manicure (we had a wedding to attend Saturday night), $114. Holy smokes it's expensive to be a girl. That's without a haircut, People. Just the color and blowdry and nail polish. Normally, it scares $150 with a cut, no nails, before tip.

I was talking to a co-worker last week and she gets her hair cut by this guy Edwin Fontanez , who has cut the hairs of Jennifer Aniston, Cindy Crawford and Reese Witherspoon, to namedrop. Needless to say, I'm chomping at the bit to indulge myself with a cut from this dude. I don't know what I think will happen, that I will suddenly look JUST LIKE Jen Aniston, like we'll be twins separated at birth if I only had the right cut, but I'm still intrigued by how great it could potentially be. Now, he charges $110 just for a cut, with color it's $330. I used to have a Honda Civic - brand new, cute sporty red two-door with a sunroof and CD player, that I paid $179/month to ride around in it. My FIRST HOUSE - a double in a shitty Cleveland neighborhood that needed gutted and rehabbed, granted - mortgage payment was $325/month. For a HOUSE. So. I haven't made an appointment with Mr. Edwin Fontanez as of yet. Those prices aren't even including a tip, which I inquired as to how much that should be and the girl tips $80 when she gets the whole shebang, $20/30 for a cut only. I tip $20 to my girl, no matter what she does, but I did find myself giving her $23 this last time because I secretly felt like a cheapass after hearing the story of an $80 tip. Yes, I see the humor in the fact that I threw a whole extra three dollars onto my tip to make me feel better. I don't believe I can't afford to look like Reese or Jen.

P.S. I realize I look every bit like a middle-aged woman in the photo above. And for some reason I photograph with some sort of a darker mark on my chin, which I really don't have in real life - I've looked. Unless I am just blind to my own flaws, but I think I'm rather harshly realistic with myself so I don't see how that can be the case. Huh. The dew of my youth is long gone, if I ever had a dewy youth.

P.P.S. Remember the post where I used the vibrating mascara, and how it makes a stronger eye impact and is super-duper cool and snazzy? Well, I stopped using it for a while because it is just so hard to remove. Make-up remover, scrubbing, face creams - nothing takes it all the way off and I wake up with dark racoon circles the next day which I have to fight to finish removing. I pulled it out for Special Occasion Eyes for the wedding and it was just as big a pain in the ass as I remembered so I'm throwing it in the trash. Fifteen wasted dollars. Don't buy it unless you NEVER want to remove it.

On to the next blurb.

Sophie went to the doctor. She doesn't have cancer in her butt (which I found out that was her fear) and her hernia is going to be ignored since it isn't causing her any pain and she's 92. A rather anti-climatic end to that whole batch of Worry. But I'll take Anti-Climatic vs. Intense Worrisome Concern.

It's been a fast last week, with nothing exciting to report, and much the same can be said of the weekend. Friday night we visited Marge & Stanley, Saturday was the wedding (which I scored with a really huge hunka take-home wedding cake!), Sunday we slept til 11:00 a.m., I made a pot of chili, we went to Cleats and watched football with our friends and that was that. Here I sit, after a nap in the recliner, wasting what's rest of the night.

I thought I had some rather interesting tidbits tucked away for blogging purposes, but I must be too addled from over-sleeping and chili to remember. Maybe it'll come to me. Maybe this will be as good as it gets. Only time will tell. Hey, I did have one little snippet from which you've been spared! I thought I had taken a video of Twinkle eating a Twinkie, but it didn't record. So when you're sitting back scratching your head thinking THIS is lame, smile with relief that you didn't have to read about and watch THAT!

Paranoia Will Destroya

I'm getting ready to change my URL for this site. If this happens and you are interested in the new link, lemme know and I'll email it to you. I made the mistake of posting on a "blog of the month" club thingie and now I'm all crazy paranoid that I'm all searchable and stuff (like anyone is actually searching for me) but who the hell knows nowadays. Some people don't need to get all up in my bidniz if they're so inclined. Maybe I should have applied a filter to my thoughts at some points. Mistakes were made.

An Unwelcome Bedfellow

It seems that since I opened the door and let Worry in over the summer with all my cat calamities and whatnot, Worry is kinda trying to settle down in my big leather recliner and stay awhile. Nope, not the cats this time. Worry seems to be a shapeshifter, much like the characters in the TrueBlood series I'm trying to find time to read.

At the moment, Worry is festooned around Sophie. Seems she's having some little problems with a bulge that looks as if she's herniated something, and a booboo she got somehow that is taking a while to heal up. I was treated to a look and a touch at both of these things, trying to determine the level of Worry needed. I think the bulge is a hernia. The booboo is on the mend with some antibiotic ointment. She finally!! made an appointment for the bulge for this coming Wednesday, here she's had it for only two weeks. I had to get all high-pitch-voice-ed with her once I found about about it to get her motivated to call the doctor. I don't know how bad something has to actually be, before she deems it time to call the doctor without prodding.

So you wonder where I've been? Well, now you know. Partying it up with Worry.

To All The Single Ladies!

OMFG!! I am JUST NOW catching up with the season finale of More To Love and I cannot believe he ditched the bigboobied blond chick!!!

Note to Kenny: Don't EVER tell me "you're a beautiful, curvy woman." I'll junkpunch you.

Now, some thoughts:

1/ Bachelor Guy: Your season finale pants are just fitting WEIRD. They are like skinny pants or something. I think it must be all that dining and dining this room full of beautiful curvy women.

2/ As we watch this, my boyfriend sits on the couch and chants "Fattie, Fattie, Fattie" in a falsetto. And he's not exactly dating a string bean, but yet we both still find it kinda funny for some reason. Oh, he does the same thing during Biggest Loser, too, while we are both snacking.

3/ Is it just me, or does Tali have giant Man Hands? Did you see the clip of her in the limo on the ride to hear The Verdict, wringing those huge things?? Jeez.

4/ I'm not sure that "all the big girls out there" are comforted by Tali's proclamation that she is proof that they, too, can find love.

I'm so surprised by the outcome, I completely missed the shot of the ring. I need to rewind.

One Bite at a Time

The Beauty of Sitka, Alaska:

So I'm skipping right past the glaciers and whales and going right to how we ate and drank our way through Alaska. The rest of the boring stuff will come later ~ hahah ~.

In Juneau, we ate coconut shrimp, crab cakes and the best Halibut I've ever had - fresh-caught that morning - while drinking our first of many Alaskan Amber Ales. We were at a restaurant called The Hanger on Merchant's Wharf, where the seaplanes fly in-n-out:

The first of Alaskan Amber. It's not purchasable (??) here in the lower states. Drat.

The next day, in Skagway, we dined on glorious Alaskan RED King Crab - sweetest meat of all!

Oysters on the half shell with hotsauce and cocktail sauce...

Topped off with Alaskan Amber!

And Kenny was going to drink a pan of gold:


After Skagway, we landed in Icy Strait Point, where it was the coldest day we'd experienced, and it was a little drizzlie. There wasn't much excitement to be had here.

We looked for bears, but then decided that may not be the wisest decision on our own....

...so we headed to the little restaurant and warmed our cockles with hot buttered rum and hot cocoa by the fireplace.

Kenny's directive was to "make love to the hot buttered rum" for the photo. Perhaps my technique below is the reason I'm a twice-divorcee?

Kenny innocently sips his cocoa.

The day we cruised past Hubbard Glacier, the Drink of the Day was pretty and blue, so of course I had to have one! It was a pina colada layered with blue curacao. Yum!

And for our last day in Alaska, we landed in Sitka, which is my favorite port of call. This was the morning:

We took a Sea Otter and Wildlife excursion and saw this! Many Humpback Whales - bonus! Sea Otters, too, of course - and Bald Eagles by the dozens, and jellyfish, but alas, no bears in the wild.

Then, of course, we ate. Alaskan King Crab for me, and appetizers of halibut bites. Kenny had had enough seafood and opted for a burger.

Kenny did, however, have to sample The Best Clam Chowder Ever. Who could resist this on the menu?

And then we had beer.

The End.

So Long, Sitka!

Today was the last of our days in Alaska...boo! We visited Sitka, where we enjoyed fantastic weather and wildlife spottings. I have to elaborate on the weather a bit, as everyone had been predicting cold, rainy, snowy times for s. Other than one day in Icy Strait, we have been treated to sunshine and mild temperatures. Today's prediction was for 90% chance of rain, and we beat the odds and had a perfect day - no jacket required.

For our last day we choose a Fortress of the Bear and Sea Otter excursion. We were concerned it may be lame, but it turned out to be one of the best excursions we've had. The Fortress of the Bear is actually a start-up sanctuary, where they are housing motherless cubs until they are old enough to either be released to the wild or turned over to a zoo. They only had 2 cubs out for viewing today, and oh, how cute they were! They were big enough to still eat you, but not full sizers - I think they will stay until they are 2. They have just picked up three other new cubs, but they are being treated for diseases and worms and whatnot, and will be released into their new sanctuary in two weeks or so. They'll be in a separate house since they don't want them to get roughhoused by the older ones. So that was fun.

Then we went to the sea otter excursion part, which was a real treat. We saw so much stuff! More whales, which were unexpected, including both Humpback and Gray, which is very rare in these parts. We saw more bald eagles than we could count, sea otters and seals and all sorts of stuff.

After our trip we ate locally again, dining on incredible halibut and fresh Alaskan King Crabs once again. My dining expectations have all been met on this trip, so much fresh seafood!! We left a huge tip (we always do when traveling), and the waiters were so excited they shook our hands and wished us well, and then talked football with Kenny.

We got back to the ship in the nick of time, literally. We thought our last tender back to the boat was 3 or 3:30, and it was actually 2:30, so while we thought we were early, we just made it at 2:30! After our early morning (tour was at 7:30 a.m.), fresh air and full bellies, we promptly headed to our stateroom and took a 2 1/2 hr. nap. We just got out of the show, where we were entertained by a great impressionist who sang and whatnot, it was a good time. Now, listening to live music in the cybercafe, not a bad day in the life of me at all.

Tomorrow, at sea day. I have a date with a book, will make my way to the gym so I can justify dragging my workout clothes all the way to Alaska and generally just enjoy rolling around on vacation.

Next stop, Victoria, British Columbia. I may be touring that little city by myself, Kenny wants to stay on board and watch football. Hey, it's his vacation too, and if he doesn't want to have high tea and visit gardens, that's his vacation choice. But we'll see what shakes out.

Now, off to explore around. It's 8:30 p.m. ship time, still time for much more fun things to do!

Yo-Ho! From Alaska

So here I am, sitting on the ship somewhere between Skagway and Icy Strait Point, which is where we arrive tomorrow - and I thought of you ;)

The trip so far is fantastic! We've visited Ketchikan, Juneau and today was Skagway. Things I love so far about Alaska:

1/ Lumberjacks!! I've requested Kenny grow a beard through the duration of the trip and I'm going to put him into a flannel shirt and live out my fantasy. So far he's complaining about the scratchiness of it, but he's doing it for the greater good (which is me).

2/ Whales!! We went on a whale-watching excursion and saw A LOT! It was amazing. We also saw Harbour Seals, Sea Lions and Bald Eagles. Fantastic time in Juneau. We also visited Mendallhall Glacier where I hoped to spot a bear, but no such luck. My quest for a bear-sighting goes on.

3/ King Crab! Man alive, have we enjoyed some of the best seafood on shore. Tonight we dined on raw oysters (ahem. some of you may know the folklore on what that leads to -which will help out on the whole lumberjack thing) and Red Alaskan King Crab. I'd say the best thing I've ever put in my mouth.

4/ Bald Eagles. Totally cool. We took this scary-ass tram up to the top of a mountain in Juneau and after I got over my height-fright I was able to enjoy the scenery and take a close up look at a bald eagle in captivity. While I at first felt bad for the bird, it's actually a good thing - she was shot in the beak, eye and wing by some dumbdick and they've actually saved her. We also saw a live giant bald eagle nest in Ketchikan, sitting high in a tree - it was cool. A big ol' mama bird was perched up watching over her babies in it.

5/ Train rides! We took the train through Skagway today, it was the original pass that was dug out during the Klondike gold rush days. That train HUGS the side of the mountain, it could be intimidating, but the views are totally worth it. We also went on a touristy panning for gold thing in conjunction with the train trip, and while it was hokey, it was also fun and I got to see a Malamute dog up close. And got a couple gold flakes.

There's much, much more, but these have been some fun parts so far. We still have a lot of stops to make. Some other fun things that happened include Kenny winning $4000 in the casino a couple of nights ago - that never hurts and made the start of the trip super fun.

I have decided not to do any kayaking or ziplining. I've discovered I"m not a fan of heights (the tram ride confirmed that for me) so I'll take a pass on ziplining over a rainforest or whatever. I'm fine on the ground. And Kenny's afraid his heart will give out after 2 hours of kayaking my ass around, so I'm giving him a pass since he legitimately does have a heart problem - I don't want to kill the man, especially now since he's growing his lumberjack beard and all :)

Our weather has been IDEAL - guess it had been raining for the past 3 weeks, but we've hit sunny days at every stop. Couldn't have ordered up better weather.

Hope everyone is doing great back at home. Read about Patrick Swayze. RIP, Patrick Swayze. I'm going to go and dirty dance in the nightclub in his honor. Or something.

Enjoy the rest of your week!

In the Blink of an Eye

Time Waits For No Man. I think that was the quote that was on the back of the watch in my favorite t.v. movie, The Girl, the Gold Watch, and Everything. Remember that?? Well, time really doesn't stand still - unless you're in a really awkward situation. But even then, it eventually passes. So 11 months have zipped by, and now Alaska looms just a few short hours from now.

I'm proud - and relieved - to say that I've been pre-packing and getting ready throughout this week. Laundry wasn't piled up til tonight - oh, no, sirree! I got on it! I'm partially packed, have to go and finish up the last of it as soon as I'm done with this VIP (Very Important Post). Last night we got all the electronic gizmos rounded up, charged, and packed delicately away, along with the passports, paperwork, etc. Some clothes are in suitcases, just got to shore it all up. One last little load in the washer, giving it the switcharoo here soon. Cats have had a talking to, explaining our departure.

I put Twinkle in charge, as the man of the house. That's his role. Now, he's feeling under the weather, we've had two trying mornings (yesterday and today) where he's been whisked to the vet's office, but we're feeling confident that he's going to be okay. But just in case he's still not back to 100%, I put Toby in the 2nd place position as the Sundance Kid to Twink's Butch Cassidy. So between the two of them, they should be able to keep the house in order.

As far as Twinkle's "condition", well, who the fuck even knows. He was having some sort of breathing issue, making some weirdass noise, and it needed to be checked out. I expected the absolute worst, but for once luck and good cat health was on our side and all systems checked out normal. And of course, just like having your car at the mechanic, once he was there to be checked out he made no weird noises whatsoever. In fact, both yesterday and today, two different vets asked us if maybe the noise we heard was purring. Really??? I've had the fucking cat for seven years. You don't think I can tell the difference between a purr and the sound of breathing weirdness? But this question does make me believe that somewhere along the way, some dumbdick brought their cat in for making a strange noise and it was actually purring. So who knows.

The vet took x-rays yesterday, deemed all systems normal, then this morning he threw up when he tried to eat breakfast. So back we went. He got some big, kick-everything's-ass antibiotic shot which will be good for a two-week dose and he should be back to his rompin'-stompin' self within 24 hours. He's eating, which is good, and the cat noises have calmed down, so we're going to go on vacation with no worries.

Flight takes off at 6:30 a.m. - woe, woe, woe. Whoa. That's early. So on that note, I'm going to get offa here and take care of the rest of my bidniz. I may get a chance to post an update or two - if not, my special peeps (Rob) will get an email - sorry for the neglect this week, have been too busy to email!

Homegrown

Maybe the corn should have been planted in the backyard....Although it does make it easier to give directions: Uh, yeah, take a right, go down about a half a mile, it's the blue one with the corn in the front yard.

Or I'll Shit On Your Head

Apparently the dabbling ducks, diving ducks and geese have had enough and aren't going to take the disrespect any longer.


They all feel much better now since they are all getting their props.

The interesting note here is (the word interesting being used in the loosest sense of the term) that since seeing this traffic sign, I actually got to use it at a work meeting. We were discussing subject matter for an Easter card and a card planner wanted to use a duck, and I said, "We already have a duck." She retorted, "That's a goose," and my response of course was, "Well, they're all waterfowl." They planned something else.