If I Had a Million Dollars...

....I'd buy you a heart.

I had an encounter tonight with a woman I've seen periodically at Cinemark, a plus-sized black woman who always has a friendly word and a hug for Kenny every time she sees us there. She's always there collecting donations for some sick person or whatnot, so we throw in a couple of bucks. I'm usually impatient, ready to get my popcorn and get settled into my movie seat. But always the social butterfly, Kenny stops and engages in a full-out conversation, and this time I actually paid attention to what they were talking about. My attention piqued when she said she had just gotten out of the hospital a couple of days ago. I asked what for, and she said some complications with her heart. Come to find out, she's there collecting money for her own medical problem, she's the person that needs a new heart. I had absolutely no idea all this time that she was trying to raise funds to save her own life. Her name is Sonia. She has 23% of her heart working right now. She needs a new one or she'll be dead in two years at this pace. And she needs $95,000 more dollars to cover her out-of-pocket expenses once they find a match. She said that without that, she'll get a heart, but they'll take her house to pay for it. My heart broke, that this is how we treat human beings in this country. People should be able to get medicine, have surgery - live - if the tools are there to make it happen. So of course my eyes welled with tears and Kenny threw a large wad of money into the donation box - I think to keep me from full-out crying in the lobby of the movie theater. It's a lot easier to turn away from the collection boxes when the heart that needs help isn't looking you in the face. I know I can't save the world, but maybe a start is to help the one in my community.

After that we went and saw I Am Legend, the new Will Smith movie. It had a very sad scene (I won't spoil it for you, in case you plan on seeing it), but it was all I could do to not out-and-out bawl in the theater. After, I informed Kenny it had been a very trying night at the movies for me, first Sonia's story and then the added heartbreak from the movie. Who would have thought a zombie-esque movie would also be a tear-jerker.

On a lighter movie note, Friday night we saw a double-header. I met Kenny for a quick dinner immediately after work, we dined on nachos and beers at Hoggys before heading over to the 6:40 showing of No Country For Old Men. Okay, so that wasn't a lighter note. Wow, that movie was intense, I had sweaty palms from the time the credits started rolling. I don't know what I thought the movie was about, I guess some old guys sitting around and talking about life or something. I hadn't seen the previews. I was wrong. Anyway, go see it. Really good.

I needed something lighter after that to prevent nightmares, so we schooched over to Enchanted, which was enchanting. Until Kenny pointed out that McDreamy as the love interest was a little creepy since he's in his 40's and the chick looked like she was about 20. Well, we just googled her and she's actually 33, so that's not as creepy. But she looked much younger, so it's still a little creepy.

It's been something like three weeks since I've done any major grocery shopping and the food situation in the house is getting a little grim. I really don't enjoy grocery shopping at all, which is odd since I like to eat. We've had the occasional milk and bread pick-up, but nothing of substance in a while. Sunday a gang of guys are coming over to watch football and all we have to offer up is milk and whole-grain toast. One would think I'd be a bit more concerned, but there's always pizza. We have to do a bit of straightening up, get some pizza and beer call it a party. The Mailman is making chili and Timmy is making baked beans and I'm trying to think of something that will coordinate. I'm coming up empty. So. Maybe I'll just make a cake. Chili, baked beans, beer and cake. Nothing says "football" like that line-up. Superbowl's at my house, People!

Meggan stopped over at my cube this past week and brought a picture of little Clementine Diamond-Ortiz. She's a beauty!

I ventured to Beachwood to embark on a little Christmas shopping today, and ended up spending about $130 on myself - again. I bought this new eyebrow shaper kit thing and tried it out when I got home. Kenny said I looked like Uncle Leo from Seinfeld. Then he looked at my hair and asked if I'd gone out looking like that...I was a hot mess today, as Rita would say. And not hot in a good way.

Wow, this is a rather boring plot of words. The heart thing is only a touching story if you met the woman, and who cares that I saw three movies in 2 days and went out looking like a hot mess. I better try to drum up something better than this drivel or I'll lose my faithful reader. Is this really my life for the past week? If so, I need to do something. Maybe I'm just out of words. Used up all the good ones for the year. Hope I get a fresh batch soon.

Peace for the week, and do something daring and interesting. I'm going to try!

Street Widda

Tonight Kenny made this statement: "We need to capture Street Widda and bring her in."

I countered with: "There's a lot of things we need to do. "Capturing" stray cats off the streets and bringing them into the house is not one of them."

Bite-Sized

Here's a must-see for those of you at AG - of even if you're not, it's really quite amusing!

http://www.brightcove.tv/title.jsp?title=1341420023

Street Walker

We're adding Christmas to the house this weekend. I had to go and buy a new fake tree since Twinkle "enjoyed" the one last year so much and bent up all the bottom branches. This year I was rather concerned with what to get that they wouldn't knock off the end table; I don't put a giant tree up, just something that can sit on a table in front of the picture window. Last year I had to duct-tape the tree to the table to keep it from getting pushed to the floor, but since we have the new endtables I didn't want to do that. So, while it's a little unorthodox, I bought a "porch tree" for the table, it has a solid planter thing as a base and is much more sturdy. So far, so good, and it looks rather pretty, to boot. It's pre-lit, so I threw on some ornaments and we're calling it Christmas.

Of all the things we've lost in the house, I'm dismayed to report that we can't seem to find our new digital camera. Hence the rather poor quality pictures of late, they are all from my new cellphone, which takes a rather poor quality photo. My old phone was a pain in the ass, but the pictures were generally better. Or maybe not, maybe it's just like a lost love where you remember it more fondly than the reality actually was.

I spend far too much time on the computer messing around, accomplishing nothing. So this is going to be short, I'm going to aim for a little more productivity in my day. We'll see if it works.

This past week for work a group of us went competitive shopping. We had a fun time, met a girl who works in Seasonal Product Managment, her brother works for Coach and she said she can get me anything I want with a 50% discount. That's like unleashing a fat kid in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. I could feel myself salivating at the thought of 1/2 price Coaches. I have a working list already started!

As far as other Christmas shopping goes, I still have not purchased one thing yet. I need to get busy with that, I don't know exactly what my brain is thinking, how it's all going to magically get done. I'm stalled because I'm actually forcing Kenny to put some thought into the gifts for his family and so far he's only nixed all my ideas and hasn't contributed any himself. So we're just at a standstill. I suggested a Netflix subscription for his mom, she loves watching movies at home and normally purchases them - why not just order them and send them back when you're done? That idea was met with half-hearted interest. He better be coming up with something rather soon!

There's a black cat who runs around outside, she looks just like our black cat Widda, so we've dubbed her "Street Widda." Kenny came in distraught on Friday because someone hit Street Widda, or so he thought. It was a black cat, but not our Street Widda. He actually went back to see if there was anything he could do for the poor little thing, but there wasn't. And that's why cats should remain beloved indoor housepets.

Well, that's all I've got so far. Maybe more words will pour forth later.

Peace, and keep your cockles warm in this cold Cleveland weather!

Conjugal Visit

I volunteer to provide Jack Bauer with as many conjugal visits as needed. It's my duty as an American. Hotdamn, he is still good looking in a mug shot. He's a bad, bad boy. He needs a spanking.


I think it's cute the way he's letting them think they could keep him if he didn't want to be there. He's Jack Bauer, for Chrissake.

Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?

Growth Hormones?

When did my titties get so whompingly huge?? No wonder my aunt asked if I'd had a boob job! Wow, they don't look like this from my vantage point. I'm always surprised to see them from other angles.

p.s. - I don't want Newfie's tribute to get lost in the shuffle of these blatherings, for those interested in reading about a wonderful kitty, please go down 2 blogs.

23 Days Til Christmas

We have this coffee creamer, purchased from Sam's Club, that requires it remain unrefrigerated. It's a liquid. It looks and tastes like cream, but obviously it's not or it wouldn't remain "fresh" sitting on the counter for three months. Because it's been there that long, as I said it was purchased at Sam's Club, where everything is super sized. No wonder I don't have counter space to bake Christmas cookies - I have a Sam's Club creamer sitting out! Now the question that is begging to be asked is, "What in the hell is this creamer made of, where it doesn't spoil sitting out for three months??" I see creamer-related maladies in my future. It tastes good going down, though - hazelnut.

Kenny's been in Phoenix since Thursday on a "guy" trip with Timmy and Timmy's dad Big Al. They're staying at Ak-chin, which is a Harrah's property so Kenny was able to get the rooms comped. He's been gone a long time, it seems - I'll be happy when he comes home! They went to a Browns party Saturday night at some bar, and then they are going to the game Sunday afternoon. Kenny said it's been raining since they arrived, but since it snowed here, he has no room for complaining. He had been taking a bath at the gaming action, and since there's not much else to do there he feels a little trapped an bored at the casino. Someplace he never needs to go back to, he lamented. Hopefully it turns around for him, I did a Voo Doo chant for good luck around my Haitian "man" doll. Someone asked me if the voodoo chants worked, and I said, "About as much as praying does." So when things work out the way you want, it must have worked :).

Update: Kenny just called and told me that late last night he caught a small straight-flush on 3-card poker with a $25 bet, paid $1,000. Twenty minutes later, he hit another for $600 (smaller bet). It's official: Voo Doo WORKS!

This week I've reacquainted myself with the Pilates Reformer. As suspected, it owned me for the first couple sessions. Yesterday I was able to do it with a bit more ease. I need to head back up there in the next half hour if I'm going today. I hate their weekend hours, they close at 1:00 and that's just when I'm getting geared up to leave the house. I feel very stressed for time, having to be someplace by noonish on a weekend. Especially this weekend, I've had a very bad bedtime schedule, up til all hours and then requiring a nicer sleep-in. I see an Ambien in my future, to help me reset my clock.

Saturday I spent the better part of the day winterizing the house. I saran-wrapped most of the windows, getting the giant pneumonia-hole in the living room covered, which was the most important window. It practically spans the length of the wall in the front of the house and it is drafty! Sitting in the chair, you can feel the whoosh of wind come in through the cracks if it's not covered. So I strapped on my penis and became the man around the house once again. I also bought a new toilet seat; the Mailman installed the last one, but I'm going to try and figure this out myself. I'm invincible with my Bosch drill! Well, sort of. I tried to hang a mirror yesterday and it ended up crashing to the floor and breaking. Things to do today: Buy new mirror.

I am pondering following the Murdoch Rule for 2008. Rob is doing limited blogging so he can actually have time to write his next novel. I spend more time f-ing off blogging and rearranging Myspace, devoting no time to making my book happen. It's hard to get underway, while this is very easy and much more fun, being creative without any sense of obligation. And I have a limited readership, I'm sure, so what does it even matter other than noting my life for posterity. My great-great-great-great relatives will discover I struggled to make a good cuppa coffee and I had deep-seated public pooping issues. Is this really the legacy I want to leave behind?? Well, maybe.

This was our view from our room at Caesar's Palace. Not our first view, but the one we got after I threw a classic stink at the reservation desk when I informed them I wasn't spending my vacation in the "Classic" section on the hotel. We all know "classic Vegas" = "old Vegas." I had a stare-down with the front desk chick until suddenly a room became available. I took Geri's advice to just not leave the counter. Eventually they cave, especially if you say nothing and instead just stare at them. We spent one night in the "classic" room, which turned out to be really nice anyway and I felt a little bit like an asshole, but by then had to switch rooms on Saturday after I had created the stink. Our new room was so great, even Kenny was impressed with the switch. We could watch the Bellagio watershow from our room - totally cool.

Monday night I have to go and pick up Newfie's remains, the cremation is complete. I told Kenny that it's my destiny, I will die a lonely old woman in my 1-bedroom apartment, surrounded by containers of pet ashes. I will now have 3 containers of them. Kenny's question was, "Where will I be??" and he wasn't too happy when I told him he won't make it past 72, not with his inherited heart and cholesterol problems, while I would make it to at least 82 based on Sophie's longevity. He was too...surprised, I guess, by my analysis to point out that both of his grandparents are still kickin' at 87 & 88. I figure I'll have to catch another man in my senior years or die alone. I'll be back on that Pilates Reformer at the age of 75 - now that would be a picture! I know, I know, it's not nice to poke and tease about death. Blah, blah, blah. Get a sense of humor, People! As Rob says, "I keeed, I keeed." Or something along those lines.

Get ready to hate Meggan right now: She has all of her Christmas shopping finished and wrapped, and her Christmas cards are ready for mailing. To date, I have purchased NOTHING. I don't even know what/who I'm buying for this year. It will be a very limited list, I believe. It gets shorter every year. Gift cards for my nephews, I just need to determine the "from where." Probably Wal*Mart, they can get a lot of stuff for the money, more so than from Best Buy. And I need to think of something for Kenny. I was pondering (it's okay for me to post my ideas here, he doesn't read this, he says he lives it and doesn't need to rehash it) Sirius radio for him, something he can listen to in the basement and garage when he's working. But I'm not convinced he'd use it - he never used the Bluetooth headset thing I purchased for him 2 years ago. Or I might order a leather jacket for him, maybe. He seems to like coats. I tried to do the old, "Let's not exchange gifts, we're going to Vegas for New Year's" bit on him, but he squashed that idea. He's been strictly instructed NOT to get me any giftcards this year. I don't like the pressure that comes with having those. Now, I like them if they're for the movies or a restaurant or hair salon - I go to those places all the time. It's when he buys me a $300 card to Parmatown Mall that I feel pressured. I want to get myself something substantial for that kind of money, it's my gift after all, and don't want to squander it on 2 shirts and a moisturizer or some nonsense like that. Last year I bought a Coach purse and a pair of Nike Shox with the giftcard, and made him pony up the extra for taking the easy way out on shopping for me. Girls: We always cost the boys money with our made-up rules.

Sophie needs a new television. But that's a pretty pricey gift to give at Christmas. Maybe Santa will bring her one anyway, she's been rather good this year. Here's a cute picture of her from Thanksgiving:

Other than Kenny and my nephews, I have to think about his family and they are very hard to buy for - very hard. They have absolutely everything. I think his dad is getting a heated ice scraper from Avon. I have a couple ideas, but really nothing much to go on at all. What do we get for his 88 year old grandfather?? Chocolates? He does like sweets, but we got him a big tower of that last year. He was an avid golfer, maybe a nice golf logo sweater, even though he doesn't golf anymore. Then I have to determine who else .... I think this might be it. Maybe my sister-in-law, maybe. That's about it. So with some intensive time spent online shopping I should be able to get it all wrapped up in a day.

Should it come as a surprise to me that the cats run from me when I try to pick them up?? Doesn't Twinkle look HAPPY?!!!

I've decided to take my cue for the day from Stanley and stay home rather than battle the Reformer today. Even God rested on the 7th day. Peace and have a festive first-week-of-December.